


Into The Darkness

by LilyAnson



Series: To Hell And Back [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angel & Demon Interactions, Angelic Magic, Caring Bobby, Demonic Energy Clashing With Angelic Grace, Dependant Crowley, Divergent Timelines, Flashbacks, Forced Bonding, Language, M/M, PTSD Crowley, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Torture, Protective Bobby Singer, Protective Sam Winchester, Sam in Hell, bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-28
Updated: 2015-12-09
Packaged: 2018-05-03 20:00:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 32,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5304938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilyAnson/pseuds/LilyAnson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Lucifer's torture Crowley finds it difficult to trust.  Now with Sam gone Crowley does whatever he must to help the one person he's come to depend on.  Will it be enough to save Sam?  Will it be enough to save Crowley?</p><p>Spoilers for episode Swan Song (5x22)<br/>Helps if you've seen the episode Death's Door (7x10) for references but not needed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Crowley waited until he knew everyone should be asleep. Double checking that the coast was clear he crept down the hallway towards Sam’s room. If anyone was likely to have the most up to date information on the pit, it was Sam. Right now was the research stage. He needed information to move on to the planning stage. Opening the door to Sam’s room Crowley double checked the hall once more before slipping inside.

He had no clue if any of the others would be upset about him being here but there was no reason to chance anything. On the desk he spied Sam’s laptop. Snagging the computer he made his way back to the door. He stopped short when he heard footsteps. Pressing himself against the wall he listened carefully.

_“So what exactly are you saying? You want to gank him?”_

_“Well, yeah. I mean, what’s the use of keeping him here now?”_

_“I don’t know about that, Dean.”_

_“Come on Bobby, are you really that comfortable with a demon living in your house?”_

_“He did help us get the rings.”_

_“To save himself. He was also there at the cemetery but didn’t even try to help us.”_

_“It is kind of understandable.”_

_“How?”_

_"His fear of Lucifer? The fact that he even came with us was more than I thought he’d be able to do.”_

_"All I’m saying is it’s asking for trouble keeping him here.”_

_"We’ll see.”_

As the footsteps moved away Crowley seethed. Here he was trying to help the older Winchester and Dean wanted to kill him? If Dean felt that way then why was Crowley even bothering to do this? Sighing he shook his head. He knew why he was doing this. Sam. Sam had been the one person he could trust after he left hell. He couldn’t leave Sam trapped in the pit with Michael and Lucifer. He didn’t deserve that. Peeking into the hallway to make sure it was clear he made his way back to ‘his’ room.

*-*-*-*-*

Slamming the laptop shut Crowley growled in frustration. Sure he had learned more than he knew before but none of it helped him figure out how to help Sam. Damn it. Okay, well, at least he had more information than when he started. Now he needed to return the laptop. As he looked up he was surprised to find the room lightening with the rising of the sun. Had he really spent that long going through Sam’s research? 

Hearing footsteps in the hallway Crowley shoved Sam’s laptop under the mattress and hurriedly got into the bed. As a demon he didn’t generally sleep. He did, however, allow himself periods of rest occasionally. He had just gotten into the bed when there was a loud knock and his door opened. Dean stood in the doorway eying him.

“Breakfast time if you’re eating,” Dean announced. 

“Uh, yeah sure. Be right down.”

Rolling his eyes Dean pulled the door closed. Holding his breath Crowley listened carefully to Dean’s retreating footfalls. When he was sure Dean was gone he got out of the bed and retrieved Sam’s laptop from under the mattress. Quietly he made his way to the door and pressed his ear against the wood. There were sounds of people moving around downstairs but no one seemed to be on this floor. Easing the door open Crowley slipped out of his room and down the hallway. It would be so much easier if he could blink to Sam’s room but the others had placed wards to keep him from blinking places inside the house. 

When the laptop had been returned he made his way downstairs. Making his way into the kitchen Crowley grabbed a plate and placed some of the food on it. Mostly he only showed up for meals out of habit now. Sam had insisted Crowley eat whether or not he was hungry to force him to socialize. Crowley had just never stopped showing up for meals. When he finally realized he was no longer required to show up for meals he realized how much he needed to show up for them. He needed the see the others occasionally to remind himself he wasn’t trapped in hell any longer.

After he fixed his plate Crowley set it on the counter and opened the cabinet. Grabbing a cup he moved to the fridge to pour himself a glass of juice. Finally he snagged his plate and sat down in the chair he always used. Keeping his head down he began eating. No one said a word as they ate. Crowley had almost finished eating when he felt it. The sudden and unexpected feeling of angelic Grace caused his breath to catch and his muscles to lock. His mind immediately flashed back to Lucifer torturing him in hell.

.

Bobby stared at the demon slightly confused by the abrupt change in attitude. 

“Crowley,” Dean asked cautiously.

The demon stood and instantly began backing away, tripping over the chair in the process. After tripping over the chair and landing on the floor Crowley continued to scoot backwards until he hit a wall. Pulling his legs up Crowley wrapped his arms around them and ducked his head until he was curled up as small as he could get.

“My fault,” Cass stated quietly. “I forgot he would be down here at this time.”

“Yeah but you haven’t ever done anything to him.”

“All Grace has the same basic feel to it. There are small variations to each angel’s Grace if you look for them. For Crowley, with me just popping in to the same room… It probably caught him off guard.”

“Can you help him?”

“Perhaps. I think you two should leave first, though.”

“Why?”

“If he lashes out in fear I don’t want you or Bobby in here.”

“No dice, Cass. If you’re staying, I’m staying,” Dean stated.

“Why don’t you to let me see if I can get through to him first,” Bobby offered.

“Please,” Crowley whined. “No more, please. Hurts.”

“You two knuckleheads get the hell out of here. I got this covered.”

“Bobby-” 

“I said out,” Bobby ordered cutting off Dean.

As Cass and Dean left the kitchen Bobby shook his head. “Idjits,” he muttered. If it was angelic Grace that set off Crowley, Cass was the last person they wanted to try and help the demon. Dean helping Crowley? God save us all. While he hadn’t experienced exactly the same thing Crowley had, Bobby was probably the best option to help Crowley. Moving until he was closer but still several feet away from Crowley, Bobby crouched down. 

“Crowley,” Bobby said quietly.

The demon began to tremble.

“Hey, you’re safe. You’re all right, Crowley. You’re at my house. No one’s gonna hurt you here. You’re safe.”

Crowley let out a small whine.

“Hey,” Bobby said gruffly. “Crowley, look at me. Now.”

Crowley shook his head and continued trembling.

“I said now, boy. That’s an order.”

Shaking even harder Crowley started to lift his head. The demon’s eyes were clenched shut and he was biting onto his lip so hard he had split it open. Bobby doubted Crowley had even noticed.

“Eyes open. Now.”

Crowley’s eyes snapped open as he continued to press himself backward against the wall.

“Crowley,” Bobby said softly. “Where are you right now?”

The demon’s bottom lip quivered slightly.

“Where are you? Answer me,” Bobby ordered sternly.

“H- H- H- ell,” Crowley stuttered.

“Look around, _really_ look. Does this place really look like hell?”

Hesitating slightly Crowley shifted his eyes first left and then right. Finally his eyes settled back on Bobby. Crowley bit his lip again. “Hell is… malleable. You know that,” Crowley whispered. 

“Damn it, Crowley. You _know_ where you are. Just think about it. Where were you moments ago?”

Crowley’s eyebrows lowered as he actually seemed to be contemplating that.

“At… Bobby’s…”

“That’s right. You’re still here. You didn’t go back to hell, you’re still at my house.”

Crowley blinked several times. “Bobby?”

“Yep, it’s me.”

“I…”

“I know. Come on, let’s get you back into a chair.”

Crowley glanced around the kitchen.

“I… what happened?”

“Cass popped in unexpectedly and you had a panic attack.”

“Panic attack?”

“Yep. Come on now, up. Let’s get you into a chair.”

“I think… I want to go back to my room now.”

“Nope. We have some things to discuss first, then you’re free to go.”

“Things,” Crowley repeated carefully.

“Yep, and I’m not discussing them down here.” Bobby stood. “Well?”

Crowley stood slowly.

“Good. Now grab that chair and have a seat,” Bobby said indicating the chair Crowley had knocked over.

Moving slowly and keeping one eye on Bobby Crowley righted the chair and sat down at the table. Bobby moved to the other side of the table and sat down. The whole time Crowley kept a wary eye on him. Bobby shook his head.

“Here’s the deal,” Bobby began. “I know you’ve been hanging out in Sam’s room.” Crowley opened his mouth and looked like he was about to deny the accusation. Bobby held up a hand to cut the demon off before he could get started.

“Don’t try to deny it, I know better. You think I don’t notice the sounds of your footsteps padding down the halls late at night? Or the smell of your cologne in Sam’s room? Or even that the books in my library have been moved?”

Crowley dropped his eyes to the table and remained silent.

“I can almost understand it though. He did go above and beyond to help you. The thing is, being around those two you learn a few things. Like what they aren’t telling you. You’re trying to find a way to free Sam, aren’t you?”

Crowley’s head shot up and he stared, surprise obvious in his features.

“Told you, being around those two you learn things. If it helps, I don’t think Dean knows what you’re up to.”

“I have to,” Crowley said quietly. “Dean may have pulled me out of hell literally but I was still stuck there. Sam’s the one that really freed me from hell. I can’t leave him there.”

“Freed may be a bit strong judging from what just happened,” Bobby noted.

Crowley glanced away. “Some days are better than others,” Crowley whispered.

“The point is, it’ll be easier to see if we can find a way to free Sam if we worked together.”

Crowley’s eyes shot back to Bobby’s. “Together?”

“Well yeah. You get to use my library and I get to pick your brain.”

Crowley frowned and wrung his hands nervously.

“Now what’s the problem,” Bobby asked.

“Are you… Are you going to kill me?”

“Be a bit hard to pick your brain for information if you’re dead.”

“Afterward. I mean… I heard you talking with Dean.”

“You heard that, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“Dean’s in a bad place right now. He’s just worried about his brother.”

“And he hates me.”

There was nothing he could say to that. Dean really did not like Crowley.

“Tell you what, how about we make a deal?”

Crowley seemed to perk up at that.

“I do everything I can to help you free Sam if you do what you can to keep the demons off our backs while we search. Afterwards, if you haven’t done anything against us by then, I’ll make sure Dean doesn’t gank you.”

“Really,” Crowley asked skeptically.

“Really.”

*-*-*-*-*

There were a few books in Bobby’s library written in a language he didn’t know. Those books they left to Crowley. Bobby took the others. For the most part Bobby and Crowley would do the research at night. Bobby didn’t want to get anyone’s hopes up and Crowley didn’t trust the others. He had no reason not to trust Castiel other than he was an angel but that was enough. Being around angelic Grace was still nerve wracking for him.

While Bobby did the research in his library Crowley preferred to take the books back to his room to read them. He might occasionally need to see the others to remind him he wasn’t in hell any longer but he still found it hard to be around other people for long periods of time. He still went downstairs for meals but he never spoke. Cass made a point of already being present before Crowley came down or waiting until Crowley went back upstairs before popping into the house. He still had the occasional panic attack but Bobby could usually talk him down when he had one. Ever since the first morning Bobby had talked him down Dean had ignored him.

The main thing that annoyed Crowley now was the lack of useful information. He was learning all kinds of things and normally he would have been thrilled at gaining the new knowledge. All information came in useful eventually. However right now he was only interested in very specific information. Growling in frustration Crowley shoved the book he was currently reading aside. A thought occurred to him. Perhaps the libraries in hell had information about the pit that couldn’t be found in books outside of hell. For that matter, there were also the libraries in heaven to check. Checking the clock Crowley realized it was almost time to go down for dinner. Sighing he stood scrubbed his face with his hands.

Making his way downstairs Crowley nodded at the others present. Tonight they were having pizza for dinner. Crowley frowned. Pizza was one of his least favorites. Grabbing a plate Crowley sat down at the table. Instead of grabbing a slice of pizza he conjured two grilled cheese sandwiches and a bowl of tomato soup. As he went to pick up one of the sandwiches he noticed Bobby watching him. Turning Crowley raised an eyebrow.

“Grilled cheese,” Bobby asked.

“Sam used to make them for me,” he said quietly.

Bobby grunted and went back to eating his pizza. Crowley was grateful for not having to talk about it further. Dean stood and shoved his chair back loudly. Crowley paused, waiting to see what would happen. Dean stalked out of the room without another word. Bobby muttered something under his breath. Standing up he left the kitchen following Dean. Crowley glanced sideways and eyed the angel. Ever since he had left hell he had never been alone with an angel. This is Castiel, Crowley told himself. Castiel is _nothing_ like the others.

“So,” Castiel stated, trailing off.

Crowley didn’t reply. Either Castiel would continue or they were going to sit here in silence. He really didn’t feel up to making conversation. Instead he began eating. He could feel Castiel watching him. It was unnerving but he did his best not to let it show. Neither spoke again. When Crowley finished eating he willed his dishes clean and put them away.

“Crowley?”

Crowley bit his lower lip briefly before turning to face the angel.

“How are you doing?”

He thought about that. How was he doing? He really didn’t have a good answer for that so he shrugged. “About as well as can be expected I supposed.”

“Any more, um… ” Castiel trailed off.

Crowley knew what the angel was asking. Any more panic attacks? “Not your business,” Crowley growled. “Besides, you don’t have anything to worry about. When I was in hell with… _him_ I wasn’t allowed to use my powers. It’s not like I’m going to strike out at anyone around me.”

“Sorry,” Castiel said quietly.

“Whatever.” 

Crowley made his way back to his room. When he got there he paused with his hand on the door. Turning his head he looked down the hall to the upstairs bathroom. The only time he had ever been in the bathroom was when he had inspected the house not long after arriving. Changing directions he headed to the bathroom instead of his room.

Entering the bathroom Crowley flipped the light switch on and closed the door. He hadn’t had any clothes on when they’d rescued him. The shirt he was currently wearing was one of Sam's older button down shirts. Slowly he reached up and began unbuttoning the shirt. None of anyone’s pants had fit well enough so the pants were new. Sam had bought a few pairs for him one day so he had clothes that fit. Since that time he had become more comfortable using his powers but it was still difficult. He could probably conjure himself more clothes if really wanted to now but he didn’t. Wearing Sam’s shirts and the clothes Sam bought for him made him feel closer to Sam.

Removing the shirt Crowley took several deep breaths. Turning Crowley faced his back to the full length mirror hanging on the door. Never once had he seen what the actual scars looked like. Occasionally he would run his fingers over the skin, picturing them but he had never actually seen them. Castiel hadn’t been able to fully heal them. Sam had come in and cleaned them every day until they’d finally healed. In theory Crowley knew what they should look like. He had seen the bloody imprints of the symbols on one of his white shirts. Still, the prospect of seeing them on his skin made him nervous. He took another deep breath and let it out.

.

“I can’t believe you won’t let me kill him.”

“I told you I promised him I wouldn’t let you gank him yet. I’m not done picking his brain. You can wait Dean.”

“Does he have to live here while you pick his brain? Because I gotta tell you-”

The sound of shattering glass rang out from somewhere upstairs.

“Balls,” Bobby muttered.

Both men made their way upstairs. By the time they had gotten to the top Cass had joined them. At the top of the stairs the three stopped, trying to determine which direction to head. The door at the end of the hallway opened and Crowley stalked out of the bathroom heading towards them. When he approached them he stopped and glared. Turning to Cass Crowley said something in a language Dean couldn’t understand and stormed into his room.

“What the hell language was that,” Dean demanded.

“Enochian,” Cass answered distractedly.

“What did say,” Dean persisted. 

“The closest translation? ‘I will not be anyone’s slave.’ My guess is he found out what the symbols meant.”

“So Crowley knows Enochian? And whose slave?”

“He might have taught himself basic Enochian but it’s unlikely he would have become fluent without assistance,” Cass replied. “Lucifer’s slave.”

“Okay, want to explain that,” Bobby interjected.

“After Meg came to us with the shirt for translation I started asking Raphael about the old script. As I suspected the symbols were a modified version of the old language. It appears Lucifer was attempting to recreate the Knights of Hell. Only this time, he was modifying them to think for themselves less and be more subservient.”

“Great,” Dean muttered. “So, Crowley’s a Knight?”

“No, Lucifer didn’t get the chance to finish the process. I think he was waiting until Crowley broke to take the next step.”

“So what, then?”

“Crowley was well on his way. He has abilities other demons don’t but the process also created a dependency in him. The energy needs to attach to someone or it causes an imbalance.”

“So we need to what? Find someone who can control him?”

“I don’t think that’s an option anymore. I’m pretty sure the energy already found someone.”

“Who?”

“Sam.”

“Sam,” Dean asked loudly.

“Sam was the one of us that was always with him when we brought Crowley back. Sam was the one that always took care of Crowley. Since he’s been gone Crowley’s started having panic attacks and he’s been more tense than ever.”

“Son of a bitch,” Dean mumbled. 

.

Crowley struggled to get his temper under control. He needed to think. He had to find a way to fix whatever Lucifer had done to him. Being able to read the symbols didn’t mean he understood how the magic worked. This was angelic magic. Suddenly there was a knock at his door. Crowley growled.

“What,” he called out.

The door opened and Bobby stood in the doorway. Entering the room Bobby left the door open. Crowley eyed the hunter carefully as he approached. 

“You alright,” Bobby asked.

“No,” Crowley growled. “I wish to kill something. Now.”

“Alright. Gear up, we’ll go on a hunt.”

“No. I wish to kill many things, I will hunt alone. I cannot guarantee your safety and Sam would be upset if you were to die. I will go alone and return when I am done.”

Crowley stalked past Bobby and out of the room.

*-*-*-*-*

Turning, Crowley noted the demon running towards him and lashed out at it with his powers without slowing. The demon exploded as Crowley continued towards the library. If there was a chance any of the books here had any information they needed he would retrieve them. Nothing and no one was going to prevent that. He would do whatever was required to get Sam out of the pit. More demons ran at him from his right and Crowley lashed out at them. Two hallways later he arrived at the library.

*-*-*-*-*

After retrieving the books he thought might be useful Crowley turned back and glared at the librarian. The demon backed away and cowered. Crowley grabbed the stack of books and held them in one arm. As he started to leave the library several demons, including Meg, arrived. For a while Crowley merely stared at Meg. Setting the books down Crowley turned back to the other demons.

“I declare Meg the official new ruler of hell. Anyone who disagrees, speak now.”

*-*-*-*-*

Five hours after Crowley left someone opened the front door. Bobby shared a look with Dean before they both rose to inspect who was here. Entering the foyer they both stopped dead in their tracks. The demon stood just inside the door holding a stack of books and a bulky bag. Blood covered most of Crowley’s clothing and matted his hair in places.

“Anyone want to take some of these books,” Crowley asked.

Bobby stepped forward and snagged several of the books. Crowley offered the remaining ones to Dean. Reaching out Dean grabbed the last few books. Crowley adjusted the bag he’d brought and strolled past them into Bobby’s library. With another glance to each other they followed the demon.

“You, uh, want to tell us what happened,” Dean asked.

“I went back to hell to grab some books and supplies that might be useful. A few demons got in the way. Oh, and Meg’s the new Queen of hell.”

“What!”

“I brought books and supplies.”

“After that.”

“The part where I killed any demon in my way?”

“No. The part where Meg’s queen of hell.”

“Oh. Yeah, I had to kill a few more demons that dissented but I don’t think there will be any problems for a while.”

“Wait,” Bobby interrupted. “You killed the demons that threatened her?”

“Yes. To be honest it was only fair. I was the one that decreed she would be the queen.”

“You,” Dean asked.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“She was the best demon for the job.” Crowley shrugged.

Dean opened his mouth to say something else but Bobby cut in first.

“Crowley!”

The demon cocked his head questioningly.

“Go take a shower. I’m not having you dripping blood and who knows what all over my floors.”

“I could will myself clean.”

“You could also take a shower,” Bobby countered. “Use the upstairs bathroom by the way. I donate that one for your use.”

Crowley eyed him curiously for several moments before shrugging and leaving the library. The second the demon was gone Bobby turned back to Dean. “Do not press his buttons, Dean. We don’t need to cause trouble where there isn’t any already.”

“We have an unstable demon, prone to blackouts, who can’t be around mirrors, living in the same house as us and you don’t see a problem with this?”

“Flashbacks.”

“What?”

“Flashbacks you jackass, not blackouts. You try going through what he suffered through and not have any issues. Just stop provoking him. He snaps and goes after you cause you pushed his buttons and I ain’t gonna jump in to help.”

Angry, Bobby stalked out of the room as fragments of his own past filtered through his mind.

*-*-*-*-*

Crowley eyed the towel curiously. He could will himself dry but he wasn’t sure if he should. Drying off was part of a shower. He had followed Bobby’s wishes to take a shower not because he wanted a shower, but rather because he realized Bobby needed time to talk to Dean. He could have gone to his room instead but had decided to dabble at being ‘human’ for once. Towel dry, Crowley decided. He would will his clothes clean. Clothes were a part of laundry not showering. 

*-*-*-*-*

Knocking on Crowley’s door Bobby waited. 

_“Come in.”_

Opening the door Bobby started to speak but stopped himself. Crowley’s damp hair stuck up in random spikes. It was an odd look for the normally perfectly groomed demon. While he finished up with his tie Crowley looked over to Bobby as he stood in the door.

“Yes?”

“Uh, yeah.” Bobby shook his head. “I was curious about the things you brought.”

“The supplies? Most of them are needed for a lot of the spells we’ve found. I also brought a few rare items we might need.”

“I might have found something useful in one of the books.”

“You didn’t have to take down the mirror over the sink.”

“Uh yeah, I kind of did. Not taking a chance you wouldn’t like that one either.”

“You found a way to find Sam?”

“Maybe. Don’t get your hopes up too soon. I still need help translating some of the book before I’m sure of anything.”

“What are we waiting for?”

“Hold up, Crowley. I wanted to tell you… If you ever needed anyone to talk to…”

“Yes, Sam offered your assistance already. The book?”

“What do you mean Sam offered my assistance?”

“He said if I do not feel comfortable discussing things with him you were a good listener.”

“Really?”

“The book,” Crowley prompted. 

“Yeah. Downstairs when you’re ready.”

“I am ready.”


	2. Chapter 2

Heaven _and_ hell. They needed both to be able to get to the pit. And a willing sacrifice, the book said. Crowley dismissed that part. If a sacrifice was needed he would provide one. Sam was what was important. The sacrifice part he was more than willing to provide. Working with an angel… That part would be more difficult. It was one thing to say a few short sentences to Castiel in Bobby’s house where he was safe. It was an entirely different thing to be alone with the angel, in the darkest parts of hell, working with him.

“I still don’t understand this anchor thing,” Dean stated.

“It’s a symbolic representation of the point at which we travel from the material world, through hell and down to the pit. The starting location isn’t important but the anchor is. We need it to find our way back out once we finally retrieve Sam.”

“In essence we are burrowing our way in into the pit,” Crowley interrupted. “Without the anchor, the tunnel we make would collapse on itself and we would all be trapped.”

“I’m going with,” Dean insisted.

“You can’t,” Crowley told him. “The book states ‘only the combined forces of heaven and hell’. We cannot risk changing the equation. Too much could go wrong. You have to stay here.”

“As much as I hate to admit it, Dean, he’s right,” Castiel said quietly. “This is old magic. There’s no telling what would happen if we changed the specific formula required.”

“So what am I supposed to do? Nothing?”

“Yes,” Crowley answered.

“Shut it,” Dean growled.

“Both of y’all hush,” Bobby interrupted. “This ain’t about who gets to do what. This is about getting Sam back.”

“You will watch your tone,” Crowley warned. He’d had enough of people trying to give him orders. He wasn’t about to let someone else think they could get away with it. Without another word Crowley stormed out of the library and headed for his room. There was much to think about before they began preparation for the spell.

*-*-*-*-*

Whatever Lucifer had done to him was creating side effects. There were times when it felt like his energy was literally eating itself. Sometimes the shakes got so bad he pressed himself into the corner at the head of the bed and held himself there until they passed. His temper was getting worse than ever and the scars on his back ached. Crowley wasn’t sure how much more of this he could take. The only thing he knew for sure was that none of this happened when Sam was here.

Double checking the coast was clear Crowley slipped into Sam’s room and closed the door quietly. He didn’t have the foggiest idea why, but being in Sam’s room made him feel better. Less antsy. Moving to the dresser Crowley snagged one of Sam’s T-shirts and crawled into the bed. He knew he should go back to his own room but he just couldn’t. Being in here lessened the pain of whatever was happening to him. Lying on top of the covers Crowley curled into a ball, clinging tightly onto Sam’s T-shirt. 

*-*-*-*-*

Something had to give somewhere. If this went on much longer either Dean or Crowley would kill the other one. Dean Bobby understood. He didn’t agree with Dean’s attitude but he understood it. Crowley was different. On some level Bobby understood where the demon was coming from. Lucifer, the father of demons, had spent who knew how long torturing Crowley. It was only logical that there would be some residual damage. Hell, Bobby had his own baggage from his past. The problem was the damage from the torture had been compounded by whatever freaky magic crap Lucifer had also been doing to Crowley.

Bobby knocked on Crowley’s door and waited. When there was no response he knocked again. When he still didn’t get a response he opened the door and poked his head into the room. Crowley wasn’t inside. Uneasiness began to fill him. Crowley almost never left his room. The door to the bathroom down the hall was open. Shaking his head Bobby headed for Sam’s room. It was the only other logical place.

Approaching the door Bobby knocked softly. After waiting and getting no response Bobby slowly opened the door. Crowley was curled up on top of Sam’s bed clutching one of Sam’s shirts. He remembered Cass stating that Crowley’s energy had bonded to Sam. Bobby shook his head again. Deciding to let sleeping demons lie he closed the door quietly.

*-*-*-*-*

“Is Crowley not joining us,” Castiel asked across the table.

“He was pretty busy last time I checked,” Bobby stated.

“Busy doing what, hiding in his room,” Dean muttered.

“I thought you didn’t like being in the same room as him,” Bobby snapped.

“I don’t.”

“Then don’t gripe that he’s in his room instead of down here. Just eat your food and be happy he ain’t here right now.”

“I, um… could go back,” Crowley stated quietly from the doorway.

“Balls,” Bobby muttered. 

Dean rubbed a hand over his face. “No, don’t go back upstairs. Look, Crowley, I still don’t trust you but if you can help me get Sam back…”

“I will do everything possible,” Crowley assured him.

“Sam said it’s important that you socialize.”

“I need to be reminded, sometimes, that I’m here and not still there. It does help.”

“Then stay. It’s… fine.”

“Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“I miss him too,” Crowley whispered. “He’s the only person I knew wouldn’t hurt me when I was pulled out of hell.”

Dean was quiet for a while before he spoke. “You’re sure this will work?”

“I’m sure this is the best solution we’ve found.”

“We wouldn’t have found it without your help. So for that, thank you.”

Crowley nodded and made his way over to the table. 

*-*-*-*-* 

Castiel’s Grace prickled against his skin and Crowley scratched at the back of his neck absentmindedly. When he was finished eating he willed his dishes clean and continued to sit at the table. It was a lose-lose situation. If he left he had nothing but his own thoughts. If he stayed he had to deal with a person who hated him and angelic Grace reminding him of his time with Lucifer. He sat there contemplating which was the worst of the two choices.

“Crowley,” Castiel asked sounding concerned.

“I think I’m going to head back upstairs now,” he said quietly.

“You good,” Bobby asked.

“As good as can be,” Crowley answered.

No one spoke as he left the kitchen. He headed for his own room this time. He had taken a big risk spending time in Sam’s room earlier. He had been lucky Dean hadn’t found him. He couldn’t chance it again so soon. Closing the door behind himself he hurried over to the bed. Reaching under the pillow he pulled out the T-Shirt he had taken from Sam’s room. Gripping it tightly he curled up in the bed and closed his eyes. Inhaling deeply he breathed in the clean scent of the shirt. This was the closest he could get to Sam with him gone.

*-*-*-*-*

_“Yes,” Lucifer moaned from behind him._

_Crowley whimpered. Lucifer never bothered with preparation when he took Crowley. The pain caused tears to stream down Crowley’s face as Lucifer took him._

_“So beautiful. You’ll be perfect when you finally break. Beg for it Crowley. Beg for me to fuck you. Beg for me to hurt you more.”_

_Crowley whimpered again. He was too far gone for speech. Lucifer merely laughed. Crowley had no doubt the sound of Lucifer’s laughter would haunt him until the end of his days. With his feet on the floor and his legs straight Crowley’s chest rested on the bed, his arms splayed out in front of him. No ties bound him; none were needed. Lucifer’s Grace held him in place more effectively than any restraint._

_Lucifer sped up as his fingers tightened painfully on Crowley’s hips and broke skin. Blood trickled from the wounds and down Crowley’s legs. The angel behind him moaned again. Finally Lucifer was coming. Crowley was too far gone to care that this part of his punishment was almost over._

.

“Crowley?”

When there was no response Dean hesitated. As he stood there trying to decide what to do another sob broke the silence. Ignoring his better judgment Dean opened the door. Crowley was lying on the bed, pressed against the wall, shivering. Was Crowley having a nightmare? Did demons dream?

“Please,” Crowley mumbled. “Please, please, please…”  
.

_Lucifer wrapped his arm around Crowley and tightened his grip. It was painful but Crowley didn’t dare struggle. Fighting back only ever got you more pain. Lucifer placed a gentle kiss to the back of his neck. Crowley was close to breaking. At this point he couldn’t remember why he was resisting so much. Lucifer had promised all the pain would end when he stopped resisting. All he had to do was give in, just once._

_“Mine,” Lucifer whispered against Crowley’s ear. “All mine.”_

.

“Not yours,” Crowley muttered. “Sam,” Crowley whispered questioningly.

Dean froze. The pleading in Crowley’s voice was painful. _“The next person Lucifer goes after will probably be me. If Lucifer ever gets his hands on me and tortures me like he did Crowley I would want someone to show me a little compassion or understanding.”_ At the time Dean had been so angry with Crowley he had blown off what Sam was saying. How could anyone want to comfort a demon? Now, watching Crowley, Dean saw the demon in a different light. How long had Crowley been suffering in silence?

_“He’s the only person I knew wouldn’t hurt me…”_ Of course Crowley would have bonded to Sam. Sam had actually taken the time to try to help Crowley. Dean had mostly ignored the demon. At the time he’d been more worried about his brother. Sam was the only one that had made an effort to help the demon. God only knew what Crowley had suffered through before they’d rescued him. Crowley let out another pitiful sob. Dean was finally beginning to understand why Sam had done what he’d done.

*-*-*-*-*

Feeling for any sign of Grace Crowley was relieved when he didn’t feel any. It wasn’t that he disliked Castiel, it was just that being around any angel was still difficult. He made his way to the library. Dean and Bobby glanced up as he entered. The two other men staring at him made him uncomfortable. He shifted the books he was carrying onto his other arm. 

“I, um, finished with these books. I need to exchange them for new ones.”

“Anything useful in them,” Bobby asked.

Crowley shook his head.

“Crowley,” Dean cut in.

Crowley turned to the older Winchester and waited.

“Thanks for, you know, helping.”

Crowley frowned trying to understand the change in Dean’s attitude. Maybe Bobby had talked to him? Didn’t matter, Crowley decided. He was only partially doing this for Dean. “I need him back too,” Crowley replied quietly.

“I know, just… Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” Crowley said uncomfortably. He decided to change the subject. “Where’s Castiel?”

“He went to check the books in heaven to see if there was anything useful.”

Crowley nodded. That made sense. If it took “an agent of the light” and “an agent of the dark” working together it was only logical some of the information needed would be in heaven as well. Placing the books in his ‘done’ pile and selected a few more that seemed promising.

“Hey.”

Crowley turned back to Dean.

“You can read those down here if you want.”

“I, uh, feel more comfortable in my room,” Crowley mumbled.

“Yeah… Okay but, uh, if you ever wanted to, um, be around people or something…”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

*-*-*-*-*

Crowley had reread the same sentence five times when he heard the knock at his door. He really didn’t want to talk to anyone right now. He was having problems concentrating and he could feel his grip on his temper slipping. All he wanted right now was to kill something. 

“What,” Crowley shouted tersely.

The door opened and Dean took a few steps into the room.

“Hey.”

“I do not have time for small talk. Did you need something specific or did you just wish to annoy me?”

“What’s your issue Crowley?”

“Right now? You.”

He was being unfair, he knew. Dean had been trying to be polite earlier. It’s just that the energy within him was eating at itself again and his scars were burning.

“Sorry,” Crowley muttered. “I’m just… not doing so well right now.”

“Is there something I can do to help?”

Crowley had a brief vision of standing over Dean who was lying on the ground, bleeding and dead. He shook his head to clear the image. “I think I need to step out again.”

“Step out?”

“I need to… do something.”

“Something like what?”

“None of your business,” Crowley snapped.

“I don’t know if you should go anywhere right now,” Dean said cautiously.

“If I do not I will most likely kill you,” Crowley stated honestly.

Dean backed up to allow Crowley room to pass. 

Crowley exited the room without a second glance to Dean.

*-*-*-*-*

Crowley stared at the bodies piled around him. Without anywhere better to go he had headed back to hell. He had intended to see if there were any demons Meg was having issues with but on his way to find her he had found a demon plotting against her. He didn’t understand how he knew, but he knew. The demon resented Meg being placed as the queen of hell and was plotting to kill her. Somehow he _knew_.

When he discovered he could read which demons were loyal and which ones weren’t loyal he didn’t bother seeking out Meg. He walked down various hallways searching out demons to kill. Those loyal to Meg he passed by. If they attacked him as he passed then he killed them. They were obviously too stupid to live. He gave a brief thought to incapacitating the demons instead of killing them but dismissed it. He needed to kill things right now. It helped ease whatever was wrong with his energy. Sooner or later he would have to find a better way of dealing with the problem. 

*-*-*-*-*

Before opening the door to Bobby’s house Crowley willed himself clean. “No dripping blood and who knows what on Bobby’s floors,” Crowley muttered entering the house. He made his way towards his bedroom. By the time he reached the stairs Dean had caught up with him.

“Hey. You better yet?”

Crowley cocked his head and pondered how he was feeling. 

“Yes, better,” he finally answered.

“Good, want to join us in the library?”

Crowley tested the air in the house and felt the familiar feeling of Grace. He tensed until he recognized the Grace belonged to Castiel. Only Castiel, Crowley mollified himself. Castiel is alright, for an angel. With a nod Crowley followed Dean to the library. Bobby and Castiel looked up as he and Dean entered.

“We found something,” Dean stated. 

*-*-*-*-*

“This changes nothing,” Crowley stated. 

“You’re joking,” Bobby stated flatly.

“I can keep the others contained long enough for the damage to repair itself.”

“I’m not as sure about that,” Castiel chimed in. “We can’t risk freeing Lucifer a second time.”

“I will make sure that doesn’t happen,” Crowley insisted.

“Maybe we should step back and-”

“If you have a better solution, then by all means, tell me,” Crowley said cutting off Castiel.

No one said anything for a moment. Finally Castiel spoke. “If you’re sure.”

“I’m sure.”

Castiel nodded once.

*-*-*-*-*

Two days. They had almost two full days before they could start the spell. Crowley sat on his bed clutching Sam’s shirt and rocking back and forth slowly. He could wait two days, couldn’t he? Yes, definitely. The scars on the backs of his shoulders burned and Crowley itched at them distractedly. Two days and Sam would be back. No, he definitely didn’t have to step out. He could wait. Crowley continued rocking himself trying ignore the pain from his energy eating him alive and the burning in the scars. There was a knock at his door. Crowley scrambled to hide the shirt under the pillow.

“C-come in.”

Dean opened the door and stuck his head in the room.

“Lunch?”

Crowley shook his head.

“You alright,” Dean asked frowning.

Crowley nodded and rocked slightly.

Walking into the room Dean stood near the bed.

“You don’t look alright.”

“Fuck off,” Crowley snapped.

Why couldn’t Dean just leave him to suffer in peace?

“It’s the energy isn’t it?”

“Leave,” Crowley ordered.

Dean hesitated.

“Please,” Crowley whispered dropping his eyes.

“I’ll leave if you come down for lunch,” Dean said quietly.

“In a minute?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Dean hesitated slightly but finally left.

Relieved, Crowley returned to rocking himself.

*-*-*-*-*

Cautiously Crowley walked towards the kitchen. He didn’t understand why he had even agreed to come down for lunch. He was barely able to keep the shakes in check and his shoulders felt like they were on fire. How was he ever going to keep the others from noticing? Nearing the door he stopped and took a deep breath. Straightening himself Crowley shoved his shoulders backward and strode into the kitchen. 

Sitting at the table he didn’t bother to grab a plate. There was no way he could eat right now. Holding silverware and trying to keep it from shaking was beyond his ability at the moment. Dean gave a slight nod that Crowley returned. He kept his eyes down as the others ate in silence. Violent images drifted through his mind.

“Crowley?”

Crowley glanced up and looked to Dean.

“You’re bleeding.”

Crowley frowned. Looking down he inspected himself. He didn’t see any injuries.

“Your back, it’s dripping blood onto the floor.”

Glancing down Crowley checked the floor. Sure enough drops of blood were splattered on the floor underneath him. Crowley blinked stupidly at the blood. Dean stood and walked behind him. Crowley turned to keep his eyes on Dean.

“Stay still,” Dean admonished.

“What are you doing,” Crowley asked suspiciously.

“I’m just checking your back, nothing more.”

Crowley growled and turned around to face the table. Dean standing behind him caused his skin to crawl. He had never liked the prospect of a potential threat standing where he couldn’t see it. After his time at Lucifer’s hands it was taking all of his will to sit still and let Dean inspect him. The second Dean touched his back Crowley turned and snarled. Dean put his hands up and took a step back.

“Easy,” Dean told him. “I was just trying to move the shirt. The back of it’s covered in blood.”

Crowley frowned again. Reaching up he unbuttoned the shirt. Eying Dean carefully Crowley tried to psych himself up enough to reveal an injury to a potential threat. When he was as comfortable with the idea as he was likely to get Crowley slowly shoved the shirt off of his shoulders. Dean let out a low whistle.

“Too much blood on it to tell how bad it is but it looks like your scars opened up again.”

Crowley pulled his shirt back over his shoulders and turned back to Dean.

“How,” he asked.

“No clue but it’s gotta hurt like a bitch.”

Crowley didn’t reply. There was no way he was going to admit to being in pain. He stood and willed the floor clean. Stalking out of the kitchen Crowley headed for his room.

.

Dean started to follow Crowley but Bobby stopped him.

“Let me handle this,” Bobby ordered.

“Why?”

“Because he’s not doing well. Asking him to sit still and allow someone who keeps threatening him to kill him to treat him isn’t going to happen. He may need to get patch up but he’s isn’t going to let you do it.”

“And he’ll let you?”

“I know how to talk to him. You just stay down here.”

Dean nodded and Bobby left to find Crowley. Making his way up the stairs Bobby shook his head. Walking to Crowley’s room Bobby knocked and waited. There was no answer. He didn’t bother opening the door. Walking down the hall he made his way to Sam’s room and knocked on that door. No answer again but that wasn’t surprising. Cracking the door Bobby called in to Crowley. 

“It’s me. I’m coming in Crowley.”

Entering Bobby wasn’t the least surprised to find Crowley curled up on Sam’s bed.

“Hey, Crowley?”

Crowley let out a soft whine.

“Shh, it’s okay, it’s just me.”

“Sam?”

“No, it’s Bobby.”

“Hurts,” Crowley whimpered.

“We need to get you patched up.”

“S-Sam’s j-job.”

“I’m filling in this once, okay?”

Crowley didn’t reply and Bobby made his way closer to the bed.

“Crowley?”

Crowley turned his head and finally opened his eyes. “Bobby?”

“Yep, that’s right. When you’re comfortable we need to take care of your back.”

Crowley shook his head.

“Oh we’re treating your injuries. The only part that’s up to you is how. Now, we can wait til you feel comfortable and treat them or I can hold your sorry ass down and treat them.”

Crowley let out a small whine but sat up. “In a minute,” he asked quietly.

“Take your time, just don’t take too much of it.”

Crowley nodded.

*-*-*-*-*

“Now you want to tell me what’s wrong,” Bobby asked crossing his arms.

“I’m fine,” Crowley insisted.

“Cut the crap, Crowley. You’re not fine and you know it. This have anything to do with the imbalance Cass was talking about?”

Crowley scrubbed his face and dropped his hands. He didn’t look at Bobby. “Yes,” he whispered.

“What did you do to fix it last time?”

“I can’t fix it, I can just make it less painful.”

“Okay, how do we do that?”

“You don’t. I do.”

“What do you do exactly?”

“Kill things,” Crowley answered quietly. “But I’d rather wait. I never had to kill things to feel better when Sam was here.”

“You ain’t gonna to make it two more days,” Bobby stated with finality.

Crowley nodded.

“Alright then, up with you.”

Crowley glanced up to Bobby’s face.

“You ain’t gonna make two more days so you may as well do what you need to do.”

“I don’t want to. It feels… too good.”

“When you kill?”

“Yes.”

“You killing people you shouldn’t be?”

“I’ve been killing demons.”

“Alright then. Get up and go do what you need to do.”

Crowley sighed and hung his head. Finally he nodded.

*-*-*-*-*

Barely breathing hard Crowley inspected the dead vampires scattered nearby. Yes, this was better. In hell he had to be careful not to kill demons loyal to Meg. Here he had been able to kill everyone indiscriminately. The imbalance had settled mostly. Anytime he was able to focus his power on something it helped him. Things like conjuring food or willing himself clean did very little to help. It required something more intense, more violent.

While in the moment it felt wonderful. It was amazingly freeing to kill indiscriminately and it helped his energy settle down cutting the pain moderately. Afterwards he always found himself worrying about what would happen if he lost control while at Bobby’s house. He needed to find another way to deal with the imbalance Lucifer had created in him. Perhaps when they got Sam back Crowley would have time to research ways to break whatever Lucifer had done. Maybe Sam would even help with the research.

*-*-*-*-*

Dean eyed Bobby as he tried to process the information. So Crowley had to kill things occasionally to keep the imbalance from becoming too bad? What did that mean in practical terms? Would it cause him to lose it and attack them? What would happen if he couldn’t find demons to kill? What would happen if killing things stopped working?

“Why didn’t he have to kill things before,” Dean asked.

“Best guess? Sam was here. Cass said something about Crowley bonding to Sam. I think that bond helped keep the energy stable. Without Sam here Crowley’s been getting progressively worse.”

“You think he’ll last two more days?”

“Maybe. We’ll have to see what he’s like when he gets back.”

“Maybe next time one of us should go with him.”

“I don’t think that’d be a good idea. I’m not sure how much of Crowley’s there when he’s off doing his thing. I think he waits to the last moment before doing anything about it. At that point Crowley might not be fully in control of himself.”

“Damn it,” Dean muttered.

“Yep,” Bobby answered.


	3. Chapter 3

Without a knock his door opened and Dean poked his head into the room.

“Crowley, gear up,” Dean called before shutting the door and leaving.

Crowley frowned. ‘Gear up’? Setting his book aside Crowley stood up. What was going on now? Leaving his bedroom Crowley made his way down stairs. He found Bobby in the library and raised a questioning eyebrow.

“Just for the record I’m against this,” Bobby stated.

“Against what,” Crowley asked apprehensively.

“Dean’s waiting for you outside.”

Crowley blinked several times. He could try asking Bobby again but he didn’t think he would get anymore answers. Slowly Crowley made his way to the door, hesitating with his hand on the doorknob. Taking a deep breath he finally opened the door. Exiting the house he stopped several feet away from the Impala. Dean sat in the driver’s seat eying him calmly. Crowley walked over to the driver’s side and peered through the window.

“Yes,” he asked.

“Get in,” Dean ordered.

Crowley hesitated for another few moments before making his way to the passenger side and getting into the car. Dean started the engine and pulled away from the house. Crowley’s frown returned. 

“Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“Where are we going?”

Dean didn’t answer immediately. Instead he seemed to be thinking long and hard about something. Crowley waited for Dean to decide whether or not to respond. Finally Dean spoke.

“It’s been a long time since my first hunt. The first one isn’t something you forget. At the time I never thought it was something I’d ever _want_ to do, it was more of something we _had_ to do. Over the years things changed. I don’t know when it changed exactly, but somewhere along the way I started looking forward to the hunts.”

Dean paused and Crowley waited quietly.

“Sam never liked hunting. It was his job and he did it, but he did it because it was necessary, not because he liked it. Sam always wanted to lead a normal life. After a while I couldn’t even imagine _not_ hunting. There was something about it that just felt right. It was simple, basic; kill or be killed. That’s it. Sometimes it just feels good to lose yourself in the violence of it all. It’s black and white, no grey areas. Just you and the target.

If I tried to explain it to Sam he wouldn’t understand it. For Sam everything is a grey area; everything needs to be weighed and measured. Sometimes it’s just nice to let go. No weighing this and that just acting and reacting. No thinking, no worries just action.”

Crowley pondered that. He could definitely see where Dean was coming from. After spending so long holding everything in the release of aggression could definitely sometimes feel cathartic. Letting go and not worrying about the consequences if only for just those few moments? There was nothing quite like that feeling.

“You still didn’t answer my question,” Crowley pointed out.

“You’re not the only one that’s been going stir crazy. I need to get out and go on a hunt myself. I figured if it helps you too why not bring you along.”

“No. I can’t guarantee I won’t hurt you Dean. You don’t know what it’s like. I might accidently kill you.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“You can’t be sure of that.”

“Yes, I can. Cass says you’re having issues now because your powers need a focus point. He says Sam used to provide that but with him gone your energy is searching for another focus. If he’s right then you won’t hurt me.”

“How are you so sure?”

“Because if you did hurt me it would hurt Sam. I have to believe there’s still a part of your energy that’s connected to him.”

Crowley started to object when he realized something. Dean was loyal to Sam. Well, mostly to Sam. Some of his loyalty was directed towards Bobby as well. The second he realized Dean would do anything to protect Sam was when Crowley realized he would never hurt Dean. Couldn’t. He started to feel slightly more confident that this might not end so badly.

*-*-*-*-*

“Balls,” Bobby muttered to himself. 

This was a bad idea. He couldn’t believe he had let Dean talk him into this. The last place either Dean or Crowley needed to be during a hunt was near each other. There was no way this was going to end well. He shouldn’t have let them go off together. One of them was going to end up dead, he was sure of it. More than twelve hours later and he was starting to get restless. It was a several hours drive there and back so it wasn’t like they were particularly late. He resisted the urge to call Dean’s cell. In another hour maybe.

*-*-*-*-*

Pulling out his cell Bobby scrolled through the numbers until he found Dean’s. Before he could hit dial a car pulled up to the house. Pocketing the phone Bobby checked the window and sighed in relief when he saw two people getting out of the Impala. Bobby sat back down at his desk and pretended to be reading the book in front of him when the other two entered. Instead of both of them heading to the library only Crowley entered. The demon sat in one of the chairs and watched him. Finally Bobby looked over to Crowley.

“What,” Bobby grumped.

“I just wanted to say thanks.”

Bobby raised an eyebrow.

Crowley waved a hand dismissively. “Just a general thanks, for everything. I’m going to go upstairs now. See you tomorrow.”

“Yeah,” Bobby said. “Tomorrow.”

.

He had already said everything he needed to say to Dean. Cass he would see when they cast the spell that let them access the pit. Bobby was the last person he needed to thank for everything. If he didn’t return from this he wanted to make sure Bobby knew everything he’d done was appreciated. Laying down Crowley stared at the ceiling. One more day, just one more, and he would be able to free his Sam. Either he’d survive it or he’d die. He didn’t much care which way it panned out anymore, he just wanted it to be over.

*-*-*-*-*  
The Day of the Spell  
*-*-*-*-*

Crowley watched as Castiel went over how to draw the protective circle the anchor had to remain inside. A nervous tension began to fill him. The prospect of infiltrating the pit, the place where Lucifer now resided, scared him. Not that he would show it. Whatever happened Crowley had resigned himself to the fact that he would most likely die in this rescue mission. He only worried that he wouldn’t be able to ensure that Sam was freed. 

Both he and Castiel were needed to pull Sam from the pit but one would have to stay behind to seal the damage the breach would cause. Crowley had conveniently neglected to tell the others this. After the peace Sam had granted him this was the least Crowley could to to repay him. He would seal the breach they created and Castiel would see Sam safely to the surface. Sam was what mattered now.

So with that thought in mind Crowley pacified himself. Sam would be safe. That was all that mattered. Still, the thought that he wouldn’t be able to talk with his Sam again hurt. He had to placate himself with the fact that Sam would be free and let it go. Castiel spared a glance to him and Crowley waved him off. His reasons for doing this were his own. He didn’t have to explain anything to the angel.

*-*-*-*-*

For the first time in many months Crowley drifted above himself. Looking down on his vessel Crowley felt a small twinge of nostalgia. He couldn’t think about that now. Sam was what mattered. He had to focus. If he screwed up Sam might not get free. He couldn’t risk that happening. Sam had done everything he could to make Crowley comfortable; Crowley owed Sam everything. 

Intertwining with Castiel’s Grace was almost painful. A demon and an angel working together, who would have thought it? They spent a minimal time acquainting their energies before plunging downward. In his mind Crowley held the non-existent rope attached to the anchor. He would ensure Sam had a direct route out if it was the last thing he did. Sam was the one person who stopped the pain Lucifer had inflicted. He owed Sam for that. If there was one thing Crowley did, it was repay his debts. 

.

The two plunged down into the earth like it was air. While the feeling wasn’t too unusual for Castiel he could feel Crowley’s emotions very viscerally. Crowley was apprehensive and nervous. Castiel couldn’t tell exactly why but he had a vague idea. Crowley was fixated on saving Sam. He had completely given in to the mission. Castiel could do no less. The intermix between them seem to solidify more. All that mattered was saving Sam now.

_Crowley?_

Crowley didn’t respond. 

_Crowley,_ Castiel tried again.

_Sam must escape the pit,_ came the response.

Focused was one way to put it. Obsessed was another. He could actually understand it though. The bonding process Lucifer had initiated made in necessary for Crowley to attach to someone. Sam was probably better than anyone else. Through their connection Castiel could feel the need within Crowley.

.

Save Sam, save Sam, save Sam. It was the only thought in Crowley’s mind. This close, there was no room for any other thoughts. He had to stay focused on the mission. He could feel Castiel worrying about him but he ignored the angel. They were rapidly approaching hell. From there they would have to dimension shift slightly to get to the pit. 

.

Even passing through hell in a side dimension it was still unpleasant. Luckily they didn’t have long before they passed out of hell. Shifting again slightly they entered the pit. The cage lay in the center surrounded by absolute nothingness. Castiel shivered slightly. There was a sudden change that caused an empty feeling inside that was vaguely painful. It took him a while to realize it was the absence of God’s love he was feeling.

.

Reaching the cage Crowley focused on Castiel’s energy. The angel was doing remarkably well being separated from God’s love for the first time ever. Better than Crowley had thought. Good. Maybe this would actually work. For his part Crowley could feel Lucifer’s presence. He did his best to block the feeling of the Archangel’s Grace.

_Castiel._

_Crowley?_

_Ready?_

_When you are._

Together they began the spell. The spell was specifically keyed to pull any mortal in the cage out of it. Mortals were never intended to be trapped in the cage and so the spell had been created. When they finished both Crowley and Castiel reached into the cage.

_Crowley? This is too perfect._

At the sound of Lucifer’s voice in his mind Crowley faltered. 

_Crowley,_ Castiel asked.

Crowley tried to clear his mind. Focus, he told himself.

_You will let me out,_ Lucifer insisted. _I created you. You belong to me. I own you._

No, Crowley thought to himself. Sam. Must retrieve Sam.

_You will release me, Pet,_ Lucifer hissed.

Crowley shivered. 

_Crowley,_ Castiel called out loudly. _Don’t listen to him. Focus Crowley._

Right, focus. He could do that. Gripping on to Sam Crowley yanked. Two people exited the cage. Crowley didn’t have time to wonder at that for too long. Lucifer’s energy reached out through the hole they’d created and surrounded Crowley. Crowley released Sam entrusting Castiel to see him safely to the surface. Must seal the breach, Crowley thought.

_You will free me, Pet. I own your soul. You’re mine._

Lucifer’s Grace burned into Crowley’s being. Somewhere deep inside he felt a pull to obey. Lucifer had created him, had marked him. He owed the Archangel. 

_That’s right, Pet. You’re mine. Obey._

.

Castiel started to make his way back when he realized something was wrong. Yes, there were three of them like there were supposed to be, but he didn’t feel Crowley. Turning Castiel spotted Crowley still at the cage.

.

_Move, Lucifer ordered._

Crowley had a vague notion that he shouldn’t do that but the reason why eluded him.

_Move and let me out, now._

Crowley tried to remember why he wasn’t doing what Lucifer ordered. He belonged to Lucifer. It was his job to obey. Something deep inside kept him from moving. There was an important reason he was keeping the cage sealed. If he could only remember it. Looking around Crowley spotted Castiel. More importantly, he spotted Sam. Sam. That was why he was doing this. He had to keep Lucifer from escaping. 

.

Castiel realized immediately what was happening. Crowley was sacrificing himself to keep the cage sealed. Inspecting the cage Castiel noticed the breach was almost completely sealed. Suddenly the words came back to him. “…a willing sacrifice.” Willing, that was the key word. Crowley was willing to sacrifice himself. The spell didn’t state he actually had to sacrifice himself. Just that he had to be willing to do it.

Just a few more seconds and the damage would finish repairing itself. Castiel waited until the split second the hole finally closed. Using a part of his Grace he snagged Crowley and pulled him away from the cage. He couldn’t leave the demon behind. He had to believe that the spell would be satisfied with the fact that Crowley would have willingly sacrificed himself. As Castiel carried them away from the cage an inhuman yell echoed throughout the pit.

*-*-*-*-*

The spear, the “symbolic anchor”, jerked left and Bobby tightened his grip. It had been consecrated with Castiel’s blood and desecrated with Crowley’s blood thus imbuing it with both angelic and demonic energies. The objective was to keep it inside the protection circle until the group returned. Until now it had remained completely inert. The spear jerked to the right scraping loudly across the floor and Bobby struggled to keep it still. 

“Bobby,” Dean asked questioningly.

The spear stilled briefly before suddenly jerking to the left again.

“Damn it,” Bobby muttered as the spear began to drag him closer to the edge of the circle.

“You need help?”

“Be appreciated,” Bobby growled. 

Dean carefully stepped into the circle. Grabbing onto the spear he tried to help pull it back to the center of the circle. Between the two of them they were just barely able to move it away from the edge. They struggled with the spear for almost an hour before the floor under them began to glow. As the seconds ticked by the glow brightened. Bracing his feet Dean squeezed his eyes shut.

In the next few seconds several things happened. The light flared, there was a loud crashing sound similar to thunder and Dean was thrown backwards. Groaning he sat up and rubbed the back of his head. Opening his eyes he froze. Sam, Cass, Crowley _and_ Adam were laying on the floor in the middle of the circle. Bobby sat up from where he ended up on the other side of the room. Cass groaned and opened his eyes. Dean stood and rushed over to the group.

“Sammy? Come on Sam, wake up.” Dean turned to Cass. “Is he alright?”

“I think so. I think they’re just unconscious.”

“You got Adam too?”

Cass turned onto his side and pushed himself up into a sitting position.

“The spell,” Cass answered groggily. “It’s used to pull ‘a mortal’ out of the pit. Adam is a mortal, so guess the spell latched onto him as well.”

“If you’re awake why’s Crowley unconscious,” Bobby asked.

“I’m not sure. Maybe the magic hit him harder than me.”

“We should probably get them into a bed,” Bobby suggested.

“Yeah,” Dean agreed.

*-*-*-*-*

Dean sat in the chair next to the bed watching Sam. Cass was doing what he could to help Adam in another room. Crowley was in his own room and Bobby checked in on him occasionally. When Sam woke up Dean wanted to be present. The doorknob rattled slightly and Dean turned. When the door opened Crowley stood in the doorway.

“Crowley?”

Crowley didn’t answer. Slowly Crowley entered the room and closed the door. Walking past Dean Crowley crawled into the bed. With a small whimper he curled up around Sam and closed his eyes. Dean watched the scene trepidatiously. Crowley hadn’t even acknowledged him. Bonded, Cass had called it. Dean wondered precisely what that entailed.

*-*-*-*-*

Sam’s eyes fluttered and Dean sat forward instantly.

“Sam?”

“Dean,” Sam asked confused.

“Hey. How are you doing?”

“Okay, I guess.” Sam looked around noticing Crowley laying in the bed with him. He turned to Dean with a confused look.

“He came in about two hours ago. Cass thinks Lucifer was trying to bond Crowley to him. Without Lucifer Cass thinks Crowley transferred the bond to you. I didn’t have the heart to move him.”

“What happened?”

“We found a spell to help get mortals out of the cage. Cass and Crowley went down to get you. They ended up getting Adam as well.”

“So we’re not in the pit? Adam’s out too? Is Lucifer still there?”

“Whoa, slow down. No, you’re not in the pit. Yes, Adam’s free too. Yes, Lucifer is still in the cage.”

Sam glanced back down to Crowley.

“Bonded to me,” Sam asked still staring at Crowley.

“That’s what Cass thinks. You _are_ the only person that tried to help him when we pulled him out of hell.”

“Is he… okay?”

Dean shrugged. “Your guess is as good as mine. When they got back only Cass was conscious. He thinks the magic hit Crowley harder than him. Apparently Crowley remained behind to ensure the cage sealed properly. Cass had to grab him so he didn’t get left behind.”

*-*-*-*-*

The four of them, Sam, Dean, Cass and Bobby, sat at the kitchen table. Everyone except for Cass had a plate of food in front of them but no one seemed to be hungry. Sam picked at his food before dropping his fork on the plate. Maybe he _should_ be hungry but, for some reason, he just wasn’t. Everyone sat there not talking about what had happened.

Suddenly, from upstairs, there was a loud noise. The four of them looked to each before they all stood. Almost at the same time they headed for the stairs. Cass hit the staircase first followed by Dean then Sam and Bobby. All rushed up the stairs. 

“Sam’s room,” Dean called out as they hit the second floor.

The group rushed to Sam’s room. Cass threw the door open and entered.

“No,” Crowley shouted. “Please!”

Dean and Sam entered next.

“I’m sorry I didn’t obey, please don’t punish me!”

Bobby finally entered the room. Sam moved to give Bobby more space. Crowley’s eyes were trained on Cass. Cass started to walk towards Crowley and Crowley backed away bringing his arms up protectively.

“No, please! I’m sorry! Please, don’t hurt me!”

“I’m not going to hurt you,” Cass said calmly.

“Please Master, don’t,” Crowley sobbed.

Sam moved forward and put a hand Cass’ shoulder. Cass turned and Sam shook his head at the angel. If it was Lucifer that Crowley was terrified of Cass was the last person Crowley needed near him.

“Let me,” Sam said quietly.

Cass glanced back to Crowley briefly before turning back to Sam and nodding once. Backing away Cass moved back to the door. Sam put one hand out and approached Crowley slowly. Crowley began to tremble.

“Crowley? It’s okay, it’s me. It’s Sam.”

Crowley let out a whine and slid down the wall curling into a ball.

“Crowley? It’s okay, you’re safe now. You’re at Bobby’s house.”

The demon only trembled harder. Sam inched closer cautiously. Crouching down Sam reached out and placed a hand on Crowley’s arm. Crowley jumped and continued to shake.

“Shh, Crowley. You’re safe now. No one’s going to hurt you, okay?”

“Sorry, I’m sorry, so sorry.”

“Shh,” Sam whispered. “You’re safe Crowley.”

“I had to do it, Master. I had to,” Crowley whimpered. 

Sam reached an arm around Crowley and held the demon. Crowley stiffened and continued mumbling how sorry he was. Sam continued to shush Crowley. Looking up he noted the others watching. Raising his free hand Sam waved the other three away. Slowly the three left. Dean gave him one last look before pulling the door closed.

“Crowley? It’s me Sam. You’re safe now. He’s not here, okay.”

“I had to free Sam,” Crowley mumbled.

“Shh, I know. It’s fine Crowley.”

“Please don’t hurt me anymore?”

“No one’s going to hurt you Crowley. You’re safe now.”

Crowley curled into Sam’s side still trembling.

“Shh, everything is fine. You’re safe now.”

*-*-*-*-*

The three of them gathered in Bobby’s library. Dean sat on the couch and Bobby sat at his desk. Castiel chose to stand near the doorway. Was there anyway they could have prevented this? Castiel ran through the spell again. It had required an angel and a demon working together. He supposed they could have gotten a different demon but why would any other demon want to help them?

“Cass?”

Castiel turned to Dean.

“What happened to Crowley down there?”

“Lucifer,” Castiel stated tiredly. “He tried to reestablish his bond with Crowley. Crowley fought him off but I think Lucifer may have been more successful than I realized.”

“Is he going to be okay?”

“I don’t know. I suppose it will be similar to the when Crowley first came to stay here.”

No one spoke for a while.

“I’m sorry he went through that,” Dean said finally.

Before Castiel could answer there was a creak on the stairs. Turning Castiel glanced through the hall and up the stairs. Adam was slowly making his way down. Turning to Dean and Bobby Castiel nodded toward the hallway. The other two stood and made their way over. Halfway down the stairs Adam noticed them and stopped. 

“Hey,” Dean said carefully.

“Hey,” Adam replied guardedly.

“I bet you have a lot of questions.”

Adam didn’t respond.

“If you want to join us I’ll answer as many questions as I can.”

After a few second Adam began to descend again.


	4. Chapter 4

The two of them sat on the floor, Crowley leaning against him and Sam holding one arm around the shaken demon. After a while Sam had finally broken through whatever nightmare Crowley was seeing. At that point Crowley’s begging had shifted from begging Lucifer not to hurt him to begging Sam not to be mad he hadn’t been able to prevent Sam from falling into the pit. Sam had to remind Crowley that if he hadn’t fallen into the hole Lucifer would still be free. Twice Crowley had slipped back briefly and Sam had to talk him back to reality. For the last several minutes Crowley had remained quiet.

“Crowley,” Sam said quietly.

Crowley jumped slightly. “Sorry,” he mumbled.

“It’s okay. No reason to be sorry.”

Crowley snuggled against him even more.

“Crowley?”

“Mm hm?”

“You still with me?”

“Yeah.”

“You know who I am?”

Crowley nuzzled against Sam’s side. “Mm hm.”

“Crowley,” Sam stated lightly. “Who am I?”

“Mm. You’re Sam.”

“Yep, and you’re safe.”

“Mm, yes. Safe.”

“You ready to head downstairs?”

Crowley froze. After a while he shook his head.

“Crowley,” Sam huffed.

“No. I can’t. _He’s_ down there.”

“It’s just Cass, Crowley.”

Crowley shook his head again.

“Crowley?”

Crowley tightened his grip on Sam’s middle and Sam winced.

“Hey,” Sam said.

Crowley made a questioning sound.

“Can you just try? For me?”

“Just try,” Crowley asked skeptically.

“Yep, that’s it. Just try.”

Crowley remained silent for a moment before giving a small nod.

.

At the door Crowley hesitated. Something brushed his hand and Crowley jumped. Looking down he realized it was only Sam’s hand. He glanced up to Sam’s face. Sam merely watched him. He took a deep breath and released it. Try, that’s all Sam asked. All he had to do was try to go downstairs.

“If I can’t do this,” Crowley trailed off.

“It’s fine. If you can’t do this then we’ll come back here. I just want you to try, okay?”

“You won’t…” Crowley fidgeted.

“I won’t what,” Sam asked.

Crowley bit his lower lip.

“Talk to me Crowley.”

“You won’t be mad or…” 

“Punish you?”

Crowley flinched.

“No,” Sam said firmly. “I _will not_ punish you.”

Crowley nodded. He could do this, he could try. Slowly Crowley stepped out of the room and into the hallway. The feeling of Grace prickled at his skin and Crowley fought the urge to flee back into Sam’s room. Just Castiel, Crowley told himself. Castiel is okay. He won’t hurt me. Castiel’s not bad for an angel. An angel… Like Lucifer… 

“Crowley?”

Startled, Crowley jumped.

“Hey, you okay?”

“I… Yeah. I’m… okay.”

“We don’t have to do this,” Sam said quietly.

“No, I,” Crowley swallowed hard. “I can at least try.”

With another deep breath Crowley took a tentative step. Sam asked him to try and he would try his best to make it down the stairs. Straightening he started forward. He actually managed to make it to the staircase. Castiel’s Grace still itched at his skin but if he focused on Sam it wasn’t as bad as it had been. Sam was safe. They had rescued Sam. He continued to chant the mantra to himself as he began to descend the steps.

At the bottom of the staircase Crowley looked over into the library. Castiel stared back at him intently. Crowley took a step back and ran into Sam almost tripping over him. Reaching out with one hand Crowley grabbed onto Sam’s arm tightly. His eyes never left the angel. Castiel cocked his head slightly and continued watching him momentarily.

“I believe I will return to heaven,” Castiel stated, still watching Crowley. “They will undoubtedly wish to know how the mission went.”

Castiel disappeared as he ported away. Crowley breathed a sigh of relief. As the feeling of angelic Grace dissipated Crowley’s muscles relaxed. Crowley’s eyes slid closed as he stood there just breathing. Finally he opened his eyes and looked to Sam.

“I did good,” he asked nervously.

Sam smiled. “Yeah, Crowley. You did good.”

Crowley nodded. 

“If we go into the library are you going to be okay?”

“Yeah. It was just…”

“Cass?”

Crowley bit his lip and dropped his eyes. 

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s understandable.”

Crowley nodded.

“Come on, let’s go see the others.”

Crowley nodded again and followed Sam into the room. Keeping his head down he stood next to Sam. Sam had said he wouldn’t punish him but why take a chance? Keeping his head down Crowley waited patiently.

.

Dean eyed them carefully as they entered. Sam caught Dean’s eye and raised an eyebrow at his brother. Dean nodded silently towards Crowley. Sam glanced slightly behind himself watching the subdued demon. Turning back to Dean Sam shook his head slightly.

“Hey,” Sam greeted the others quietly.

“Hey yourself,” Bobby answered.

Adam, sitting on the opposite side of the couch from Dean, pulled up his legs and rested his head on his knees. Dean watched Adam move and turned back to Sam shaking his head. Sam knew what Dean meant. Adam wasn’t ready to talk yet. Sam understood how that felt. He decided to let Adam have time to adjust before trying to talk to him.

“So, uh, you guys broke into hell to rescue me?”

“Cass and Crowley did. We stayed here to hold down the fort,” Bobby answered.

Sam turned back to the demon. “Crowley.”

The slight flinch Crowley gave hurt.

“I just wanted to say thank you,” Sam told him.

Crowley nodded.

*-*-*-*-*

It had been a long four days. Crowley had to be carefully coaxed down to the kitchen for meals and almost never left Sam’s side. He never spoke unless he was asked a direct question. No matter how much progress they seemed to be making, any time Cass showed up Crowley always dropped his eyes and clung onto Sam. The demon had also all but moved into Sam’s room with him.

Castiel stayed gone the majority of the time, which was just as well. When he did show up he never spoke directly to Crowley. Castiel was very conscientious of his tone and actions whenever Crowley was present. Aside from clinging to Sam Crowley generally ignored the angel until he left. Sooner or later though they were going to have to work on Crowley’s fear of angels. 

Adam rarely spoke at all. Most of the time he wandered the house silently. He wouldn’t eat unless guided to the table and given a plate of food. Sometimes he stared straight ahead at nothing for hours at a time. It wasn’t uncommon to find him standing quietly in any room, though more often than not he ended up in Bobby’s library. Sometimes he even fell asleep on the couch in there.

Sam occasionally got flashes of memories from the cage but for the most part he could remember almost nothing. That was a good thing, he supposed, but slightly unnerving. He was also getting a little tired of having no time to himself. Sitting in his desk chair Sam glanced to his left towards the bed. Crowley lay curled on the bed watching him. The second he noticed Sam watching him Crowley’s head lifted slightly as if awaiting an order. Sam shook his head and turned back to his computer.

Dean occasionally checked in on him, as he put it, ‘to see if he needed anything’. Sam knew Dean was just double checking that Sam was actually still here. To be fair Sam knew Dean realized how much he was chafing under all of the chronic attention and did try to give him space. It just didn’t help much. He needed to find a way to have some time to himself soon. The only one of them to truly give him space was Bobby.

Leaning forward with his elbow on the desk Sam pinched the bridge of his nose. He was beginning to get a headache. There was a soft sound just to his left and Sam glanced over that way. Crowley sat up, got off the bed and walked near him. Standing there Crowley dropped his eyes to the ground and waited. Sam sighed heavily.

“You don’t have to wait for permission to speak, Crowley. You know that.”

“Sorry.”

Sam closed his eyes briefly trying to keep from snapping at the demon. Finally he opened his eyes. “What did you need Crowley?”

“I can fix it,” the demon stated.

Sam frowned. “Fix what?”

“Your head, I can fix it.”

“How did you know about that?”

Crowley shrugged.

“What do you mean you can fix it?”

“I can get rid of the headache.”

“How?”

Crowley shrugged again. “I just… will it gone.”

“That’s it,” Sam asked.

“Yes.”

“Where does it go?”

Crowley cocked his head slightly. “I don’t know.”

“Does anyone else get it?”

“I don’t think so. I’ve never thought about that before.”

“I think I’ll just take some aspirin.”

Crowley snapped and a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin appeared on Sam’s desk.

“I could have gotten it myself.”

“Sorry.”

“Crowley… Don’t…” Sam closed his eyes and ran his hand over his face.

“I try,” Crowley whispered.

Sam paused. Dropping his hand he eyed Crowley.

“I try to do what you want but I keep messing it up.”

“That’s the point. I don’t want you to do what I want. I want you to do what you want.”

“I want to keep you happy.”

“No you don’t,” Sam snapped.

Crowley flinched. “I do,” he whispered. 

“Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”

“I know. I do want you happy, though. Just not for why you think. You’re the only one that’s cared about me in a long time. I want you happy because of that. Not because of the bond. I just… keep messing it up.” Crowley dropped his eyes to his hands and fidgeted.

Sam stared at Crowley for a while. “I’m sorry I snapped at you.

Crowley shrugged without looking up.

“Crowley?”

“Yeah?”

“It’s hard for me to understand what you’ve gone through. Sometimes that makes it difficult for me to see how hard you have to work to get through everything.”

“I just… want to be me again.”

“I know. One step at a time Crowley, one step at a time.”

Crowley nodded silently.

“Come on. Let’s go downstairs.”

Crowley followed Sam downstairs and they headed for the library. Adam was nowhere to be seen but Bobby was reading a book at his desk and Dean sat on the couch drinking a beer. Both turned when Sam and Crowley entered.

“Hey,” Dean said.

“Hey,” Sam replied.

Stopping near the doorway Crowley ran a hand over a stack of books. Quietly Crowley picked up several of them and walked to the shelves returning them. Sam turned to Bobby and raised an eyebrow. Bobby shook his head slightly. Before Sam could question it further the front door opened and slammed shut. Now, who’s here, Sam thought. Taking a few steps towards the hallway he came face to face with Meg.

“What are you doing here?”

“I might ask you the same thing. Last I heard you were in the cage with Lucifer.”

“I got out,” Sam said dryly. 

“I see that. I was looking for Crowley. I figured if anyone would know where he was it’d be you lot.”

Sam glanced back over his shoulder. Crowley had one hand on a book he’d just returned but he wasn’t moving.

“And it looks like I was right. Crowley,” Meg called out as pushing her way past Sam and into the library. “Where have you been?”

“Here,” Crowley answered quietly, still not turning.

“Crowley,” Meg said loudly. “Front and center. Now.”

Surprisingly Crowley turned and made his way over.

“Oh give me those.” Meg grabbed the books that remained in Crowley’s arms and tossed them aside. Crowley’s eyes followed the books but he didn’t say anything. “How come you haven’t been back to hell lately? I was getting used to you slaughtering my demons.”

“Sorry,” Crowley muttered.

Meg waved off Crowley’s apology. “Tell me, when you losers pulled Sam out of the pit, you didn’t free Lucifer did you?”

For a second everyone in the room froze. 

“Don’t mention him,” Sam warned.

“Shut it,” she told Sam. “Answer me Crowley. Now.”

“No,” Crowley whispered. “He’s still in the cage.”

“Good. I’m kind of getting used to being the queen of hell. By the way thanks for consulting me on that first.”

“Sorry,” Crowley muttered.

Meg waved off that apology as well. “Stop apologizing, Crowley.”

Crowley nodded silently.

“So what’s up? Why haven’t you been harassing my demons lately?”

Sam frowned at the tone she was using.

“I have Sam back. I don’t need to kill things anymore,” Crowley whispered.

“The hell you don’t. You going to try to tell me you’re doing good now?”

“He’s doing fine,” Sam snapped glaring at Meg.

“The fuck he is. Even I can see how screwed up he is right now. You boys have had him for how long, and he’s still this fucked up?”

“He’s fine,” Sam repeated in a growl.

“Crowley,” Meg called firmly. “Tell me honestly that you’re doing fine.”

Crowley shook his head.

“Out loud,” she ordered.

“No,” Crowley whispered.

“No what? You’re not going to answer me?”

“No, I’m not fine,” Crowley said quietly.

Meg turned and smirked at Sam.

“Right,” Dean said sitting forward. “So you want to tell us what you’re doing here?”

“Actually, I really did come to check up on Crowley. And then, when I get here, what do I find? You boys coddling him.”

Sam’s hands clenched into fists. Who the hell did she think was? If she really cared about Crowley where the hell was she when he could have used her help? Where was she when Sam was in the cage with Lucifer?

“Coddling,” Dean asked in disbelief.

“Let me put it another way,” Meg stated. Without a word she reached forward and slapped the beer out of Dean’s hand. Crowley took several steps forward and snarled wordlessly at her. 

“What the fuck,” Dean yelled.

Meg grinned. “There we go. That’s more like it.”

“What the fuck’s your problem,” Dean asked.

“No problem,” Meg said dismissively. 

Crowley growled at Meg.

“Stop it,” she ordered firmly. “I’m not going to hurt him.”

Crowley stopped growling and glared at her.

“Crowley,” Sam questioned warily.

Crowley’s features blanked. His muscles went lax and he dropped his eyes to the ground. Sam frowned at the sudden change.

“See? That’s exactly what I’m talking about.”

“What?”

“You’re coddling him.”

“So what do you suggest we do? Beat him?”

Crowley flinched and bit his bottom lip.

Meg rolled her eyes. “Of course not.” Meg leaned closer to Crowley. “Unless he deserves it,” she whispered.

Crowley began to tremble. 

“What the fuck, Meg,” Sam shouted.

“What’s it to you,” Meg asked.

“If you think I’m going to let you touch him-”

“You’ll what,” Meg countered.

Sam stepped forward until they were nose to nose. “Try it and see what happens.”

Meg reached up and shoved Sam backwards. Before Sam could retaliate Crowley was between them. Grabbing Meg by the front of her shirt he backed her against the wall and snarled at her. Meg raised her hands and smiled broadly.

“Now that’s more like it.”

“Wait. You wanted him to attack you?”

“I am not going to hurt Sam,” Meg stated slowly and clearly. 

Crowley snarled again.

“Oh please,” Meg huffed exasperatedly and rolled her eyes again. “If I was going to hurt him I wouldn’t have shoved him.”

Crowley glared and didn’t let go.

“Crowley,” Meg growled. “Let go.”

She took a step forward into Crowley’s personal space. Releasing her Crowley backed away and moved to stand in front of Sam. Meg crossed her arms and sighed.

“I promise I am not going to hurt Sam,” she stated blandly.

“Meg,” Sam questioned.

“You boys have no idea how to handle a demon do you? You can’t coddle him.”

“I’m not going to give him orders and punish him for not obeying,” Sam insisted.

Meg eyed him for a few minutes before shifting her gaze to Crowley and back again.

“Can I talk to you in the hall for a little bit,” she asked.

“No,” Crowley dissented.

“You shush,” Meg ordered. “He’s a big boy, he can make his own decisions.”

Crowley let out a soft whine and turned to Sam. Sam inspected Crowley’s face. Crowley’s expression was worried and almost pleading. He knew Crowley didn’t like the idea of him talking alone in the hall with Meg but Crowley wouldn’t object if he decided to do so. Sam put a hand on Crowley’s shoulder and Crowley gave another soft whine. 

“I’ll be fine,” he told Crowley. 

Crowley dropped his eyes and nodded. Sam let his hand rest on Crowley’s shoulder for a while longer before removing it. Slowly he followed Meg into the hallway. Crossing his arms Sam waited for Meg to speak.

“You can’t coddle a demon. Demon’s live in the here and now. We focus on the present. If you coddle Crowley now you’ll only confuse him.”

“Confuse,” Sam stated flatly.

“He doesn’t need to be ordered around exactly. He needs to know where he stands. The more you coddle him the more nervous he’s going to get. When he was bonded to Lucifer, Lucifer was only ever nice to set him up to be hurt. When you’re being nice he doesn’t know how to react. He needs to know where he stands.”

“I’m still not going to punish him,” Sam announced.

"You don’t have to. The threat of punishment is enough for him right now. If you're firm enough you won't even need that."

"Firm enough," Sam repeated.

"Yes. You have to be firm with him right now so he knows where he stands. When you're nice he gets nervous and confused about his place here."

"His place here is the same as anyone else's."

"Not in his head. In his head he's bonded to you like he was to Lucifer."

"You want me to hurt him like Lucifer did?"

"Fuck no. If I wanted that I wouldn't have gone to you two to get him away from Lucifer in the first place. Look, all I'm saying is you have to understand where his mind is right now. Whatever Lucifer did to him created the need to connect with another person. The way Lucifer did it caused Crowley to doubt everything about himself. He's not sure of anything anymore. The more you coddle him the less sure he gets. He needs to know where he stands. You need to be firm enough to keep him in the present. The nicer you are the more he's reminded of Lucifer. He's going to keep waiting for the other shoe to drop."

Sam tried to process that. "So, in order to help him you want me to hurt him."

"It's not hurting him. It's helping him to know where he stands."

"You shoved me knowing Crowley would attack you."

"I was pretty sure he wouldn't hurt me."

"Just pretty sure?"

Meg shrugged. "I was right. Come on Sam, you saw the difference with your own eyes. When I pushed you he was more like himself. When you spoke he all but completely shut down. He didn't know what it was you wanted and was afraid he would get it wrong. Doing anything wrong when he was bonded to Lucifer always ended painfully."

Could she have a point? The complete change in Crowley's attitude earlier had been disturbing. _"I try to do what you want but I keep messing it up."_ Maybe she was right about this after all. "Alright, teach me."

.

"Crowley," Dean asked cautiously.

Not long after Sam had stepped out of the room Crowley had slid down to the floor. He sat with his back to Bobby's desk and hung his head. Instead of replying to Dean Crowley wrapped his arms around himself. Bobby stood up and walked around his desk. 

"Hey," Bobby said gruffly. "Get up off the floor before someone trips over you."

Crowley's head shot up to the older hunter.

"I said up," Bobby repeated.

Biting his bottom lip Crowley stood.

"Better. Now go sit in a chair."

Crowley nodded quietly before moving to the closest chair and sitting down.

Dean watched the scene carefully. Sam definitely calmed Crowley when he was upset, there wasn't any doubt about that. However, Crowley did seem to respond better to direct orders. No trembling, no whimpering, very little hesitation. Maybe Meg was right about part of it. While Crowley reacted better to direct orders, when he was really upset only Sam's soothing calmed the demon. Maybe Crowley needed both, Dean thought.

*-*-*-*-*

Sam walked back into the library and inspected Crowley. The demon was sitting quietly in one of the chairs reading one of Bobby’s books. Watching Crowley Sam felt a strong pull to protect the demon. He had felt it earlier as well, when Meg had teased Crowley about possibly hurting him. Suddenly Crowley’s shoulders straightened and his head tilted slightly to the left. Lifting his head Crowley looked straight at Sam.

“Interesting book,” Sam asked.

“I’ve already read it,” Crowley answered.

“Really?”

“When we were searching for a way to get you back,” Crowley said quietly. 

“Was it useful?”

“Not particularly.”

“If it’s not interesting or useful, why reread it?”

“It’s one of the books I brought back from hell. It’s in demonic script. Sometimes I just miss reading that.”

“Why didn’t you say something before?”

Crowley dropped his eyes back to the book and shrugged.

“So it’s your book then?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright, bring it with. I’d like to go back upstairs.”

As soon as they entered the room Sam closed the door. Leaning back against it he closed his eyes. Could he really do as Meg suggested? It seemed wrong to do that to someone who had been through the things Crowley had been through. On the other hand Meg was right about Crowley’s responses. 

“Sam?”

Sam opened his eyes. 

“You did say I didn’t have to wait for permission,” Crowley pointed out.

“You don’t.”

Crowley fidgeted. “I don’t want Meg to hurt you but I don’t want you to hurt her either.”

“She didn’t hurt me and I didn’t hurt her Crowley.”

“This time. I don’t know how to put it. I think part of me is connected to her too. I don’t understand how though.”

“She did help us get you away from…”

“Lucifer,” Crowley whispered. 

“Yeah.”

“She was right though.”

“About?”

“Sometimes I do feel a need to go out and hurt something. Or to kill it. Or… I don’t know. Sometimes I just want to be angry.”

“And you can’t be angry here?”

Crowley shook his head.

“Why not?”

“I’m worried I might hurt one of you.”

Sam thought about that. For a demon, Crowley was being remarkably docile. Did it have anything to do with what Meg was saying? Was there a safe way he could let Crowley express the anger he was feeling?

“It’s fine. I- I can deal. I mean, especially with you here. It’s fine. I don’t have-”

“Crowley, hush.”

Crowley’s mouth clamped shut, his eyes immediately dropping to the floor.

_“The more you coddle him the more nervous he gets.”_

“Crowley?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t want you to hurt any of us, okay? But it’s all right to be angry. What happened to you would make most people angry.”

Crowley dug his toes into the floor and shrugged one shoulder.

“Talk to me Crowley, tell me what you need.”

“I’m… okay.”

“You told Meg you weren’t.”

“I am not doing ‘fine’. I _am_ doing okay.”

“Okay, what’s the difference.”

“I can cope with things this way.”

“But they’re not how you’d like them?”

“I want to me again,” Crowley shouted suddenly, looking up into Sam’s eyes.

Crowley froze. Sam could read the terror in Crowley’s eyes. He thinks I’m going to punish him, Sam realized. He really thinks I’d beat him bloody or whatever because he raised his voice. Instant rage at what Lucifer had done to Crowley suddenly filled Sam. How dare Lucifer hurt his Crowley. Unable to help it he growled. The terror in Crowley’s eyes instantly turned to resignation as he dropped to his knees and hung his head.

“You will tell me what he did to you,” Sam ordered.

Crowley nodded. “Where would you like me to begin?” 

“Begin at the beginning.”

“Yes, Master.”

“Stop,” Sam ordered. “You _will not_ call me that.”

“Yes Sir.” When Sam remained quiet Crowley continued. “He hurt me a little in the throne room but everything really started in my old rooms afterwards. When he first showed up he talked for a while. He forgave me for trying to kill him. Then he said I still had to be punished. He started by… carving the symbols. Every session always began with re-carving the symbols into my shoulders.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

“Continue.”

“They burned. Every time he finished one it burned. The more he retraced them the longer the burning lasted. On the first day, when he finished with the symbols, he continued to cut me. After a while I lost too much blood to hold still. I was shaking too badly from blood loss for him to carve straight. That was the first time he…”

“Crowley,” Sam growled.

“It was the first time he took me.”

Sam stood and began to pace. Never once had he thought Crowley’s torture would include _that_. It had never occurred to him that Lucifer would do something like that. Sam stopped in front of Crowley.

“Are you… Is that something you would normally…”

“No.”

“Never?”

“I had never done that before.”

Never. The word echoed in Sam’s mind. Lucifer had forced himself on Crowley and Crowley hadn’t ever been with another man before? God knew Lucifer probably hadn’t been gentle about it either. 

“Sir?”

“What,” Sam snapped.

“Would you like me to continue?”

No, most definitely not. He _really_ didn’t want to hear about this. He didn’t even want to _think_ about what Crowley had suffered. However, some part of him _needed_ to hear about it. He _needed_ to know what had been done to his demon. “Continue,” Sam ordered.

“Whenever he would do that he would laugh. Afterwards he would hold me. He pretended to be gentle but sometimes he would hold me so tight it would crack a rib. Before he left he always asked me to beg. I couldn’t but… I wanted to,” Crowley’s voice broke. “Even after the first time I was tempted. Everything hurt so much. The symbols, the cuts, the Grace, the… the sex… I wanted to beg so badly, I just _couldn’t_.”

Crowley broke down and began sobbing.

“I would break for you though. I would,” Crowley insisted through the tears.

“No you will not,” Sam said sternly. “You will break for no one. I will not allow it.”

Sam reached down and grabbed Crowley’s shirt with both hands. Yanking the demon to his feet Sam glared at him. “You will _never_ do that. Do you understand?”

Crowley’s mouth moved but no words came out.

“I asked you a question,” Sam growled.

“I understand, Mas- Sir! I meant Sir! Please? I’m sorry! I meant-”

“Hush.”

Crowley’s mouth snapped shut. While Crowley did his best to remain silent Sam could feel the sobs shaking the demon. Lucifer, Sam’s mind reminded him. Lucifer did this to our demon. With the Archangel in the pit Sam couldn’t get to him to hurt Lucifer for hurting _his_ demon. Crowley continued to shake in Sam’s grip. Sam’s mind paused at that. Crowley was scared. He needed to help his demon. Sam leaned forward.

“Bed. Now.”

Crowley’s eyes widened. He stumbled when Sam released his shirt. Crowley opened his mouth to say something but closed it. Pain was the only emotion Sam could see in Crowley’s eyes right now. Slumping his shoulders Crowley walked to the bed. Sitting down Crowley reached up for the buttons on his shirt.

“No,” Sam yelled. 

Crowley froze. 

“Clothes on.”

Stalking towards the bed Sam shoved the demon back. Crowley fell onto the bed and squeezed his eyes closed. The rage intensified. No. Crowley would not close his eyes and pretend he was back with Lucifer. Lucifer couldn’t have _this_ demon. Not even in memory. _This_ demon belonged to Sam. “Eyes open.”

Crowley’s eyes shot open.

“Straighten.”

Crowley scrambled to turn until he lay straight in the bed, face down. Sam’s anger howled inside. “On your back. Now.”

Crowley hurried to obey, turning until he lay on his back in Sam’s bed. For a while Sam stood there inspecting the demon. No, Lucifer could not have this demon. Crowley was Sam’s to protect. Slowly Sam got into the bed. Laying on his side Sam put an arm over the demon and dragged him closer. When Crowley was pressed against him Sam loosened his grip. He would take every horrible memory Crowley had and replace it. He would replace the fear, the doubt and the pain with new memories. He would replace Lucifer until any thought of him was just a long forgotten memory.

“You break for no one,” Sam told the demon.


	5. Chapter 5

As Crowley lay there he could feel Sam’s chest move with each breath. He was completely confused. Sam had been violently angry, Crowley was positive. He had been so sure Sam was getting ready to punish him. Instead Sam had laid down and held him. Sam’s arm was still loosely wrapped around him. He hadn’t misread Sam, he was sure of it. But if Sam had been that angry why hadn’t Sam hurt him?

_“You break for no one.”_

That part confused him more than Sam’s actions. After all, Lucifer’s actions had been erratic and unpredictable. Crowley had become used to the unpredictability. Lucifer had spent months trying to get Crowley to break. It was the one thing Crowley ever denied him. Crowley offered it freely to Sam and Sam had turned it down. When Sam had ordered Crowley to get into the bed Crowley had been hurt. He had trusted Sam. Sam had never hurt him before. Then Sam had ordered him into the bed and he thought Sam was going to take him like Lucifer had taken him. Instead Sam had curled around him and soothed him. Yes, Crowley was confused.

*-*-*-*-*

Sam woke up to the feeling of his nose itching. Reaching over he scratched his nose and put his arm back down. Frowning he realized there was something different. Opening his eyes Sam found himself staring directly into Crowley’s eyes. Crowley was laying on his back with his head turned towards Sam. Suddenly it all came crashing back. Sitting up quickly Sam backed away to give Crowley space. Crowley reached over and placed a hand on one of Sam’s covered legs.

“It’s alright Sam.”

“No, it’s not. I didn’t mean to yell at you. Are you okay? I didn’t hurt you did I?”

“Please stop.” 

Sam stopped trying to move away.

“I’m fine and you didn’t hurt me. May I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Who were you angry with?”

“Don’t. I can’t go there again. Not right now.”

“I need to know. I mean, if it really was me-”

“It wasn’t you, Crowley. It was Lucifer.”

Crowley bit his lip.

“I was angry at him, Not you.”

“You were more than angry,” Crowley whispered.

Sam sighed. “Yeah. Everything just hit me all at once and I couldn’t stand to think of everything you had to suffer through.”

“I think,” Crowley said slowly. “maybe the connection is affecting you as well.”

Sam reached down but realized he didn’t know what to do with his hand so he put them both into his lap. “I’m not sure what happened. It just hit me all at once, how much Lucifer had hurt you, and I couldn’t deal with it. I was not mad at you, though.”

“Can I…”

Sam waited for Crowley to find the words.

“Can I ask something and you won’t get mad?”

“You can always ask me anything.”

“Can you not… I mean…”

“Talk to me Crowley.”

“You ordered me into bed,” Crowley said quietly. “I was wondering…” Crowley fidgeted. “Can you just… ask next time?” 

_“Can you just ask…”_

“You thought I was going to do what he did, didn’t you,” Sam whispered. _You thought I was going to rape you like he did._

Crowley chewed on his lower lip and didn’t answer.

“It was wrong to order that. I was just angry. The only thought I had was to wipe out any memory of him by doing what he did and showing you I wouldn’t hurt you. That you were safe now. I didn’t stop to think about what it might sound like.” 

“Is, um… Is that a yes?”

“Yes Crowley. I can even move in a second bed if you like. You don’t have to sleep in the same bed to stay in here if you don’t want.”

“I think… I think I’d like that,” Crowley said tentatively. 

Sam stood up and got out of the bed. He should have thought of it before. He’d complained about not having time alone but hadn’t thought to get Crowley his own bed? Seriously? He paused at the door. How was he going to move the bed on his own?

“Crowley?”

“Yes,” Crowley answered warily.

“I might need help moving the bed.”

“I can make it lighter and move it myself. I’d will it in here if I could but it’s too close to blinking for the wards.”

“I could break some of the wards,” Sam offered.

“I wish you wouldn’t.”

“Why?”

“It keeps other demons from blinking in here too. Like Meg having to use the front door.”

“Understood. Crowley? About Meg?”

“What about her?”

“What was her part in what happened to you?”

Crowley smiled. “She was my babysitter, my doctor and my friend. She treated all my injuries and helped me dress. With the chains on and not being able to use my powers I couldn’t get the clothes on by myself. She used her powers to will me dressed. She claimed it was because she didn’t want me naked while she had to watch me.”

Crowley paused for moment.

“Lucifer realized that I’d come to depend on her though. I think he even intended it on some level. At the end of my last session he told me I wasn’t allowed clothing anymore and ordered me not to talk to her again. I messed up. When I wouldn’t talk to her she threatened to go to Lucifer. I was scared he’d kill her so I told her no so she wouldn’t go see him. If Dean hadn’t shown up when he did Lucifer would have had her killed. When Dean showed up I was worried _he_ would kill her.”

“They were only down there to rescue you.”

“I didn’t know that. No one told me. Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“Why would Meg want to help me? I mean, after everything I did to her before…” 

“I can’t answer that. That’s something you’re going to have to ask her.”

*-*-*-*-*

Downstairs in the kitchen they found Bobby, Dean and Adam sitting at the table. Only one chair was left open. Sam turned to look at him. Crowley motioned for Sam to take the chair, he would stand. Sam hesitated and finally took the chair. Crowley inspected the newest Winchester sitting at the table. Adam was eating slowly but he still didn’t seem to be faring any better yet. Something inside Adam remained broken. Crowley pondered that. Perhaps there was something he could do to fix that.

“I moved Crowley’s bed into my room,” Sam informed the others.

Adam didn’t respond which wasn’t unusual. Bobby gave a grunt of acknowledgement before continuing to eat his breakfast. Dean looked up and eyed Crowley at that remark. Crowley tensed and waited to see how the older Winchester would react. After a few seconds Dean gave him a small nod and returned to eating. Crowley gave a mental sigh of relief before returning to his thoughts of how to help Adam. 

Crowley made his way over to the table. Standing behind Adam Crowley placed a hand on his shoulder. Adam stopped eating. Crowley let himself sink into the younger Winchester’s consciousness. The pain and emptiness was breathtaking. Not since traveling into the pit had he felt an absence this complete. Crowley realized something in that moment. Adam didn’t feel loyalty towards anyone right now. The youngest Winchester felt many things, but loyalty wasn’t any of it. Mostly he felt anger, pain, betrayal and despair. 

Suddenly Crowley was ripped out of Adam’s consciousness and back in the kitchen again. Crowley struggled to adjust to the suddenness of the change in perceptions. Adam was half turned in the chair and glaring at him. Crowley’s hand no longer rested on Adam’s shoulder. Turning Crowley inspected the others. No one was eating anymore and everyone was quietly watching him. Adam shoved the chair backwards hitting Crowley’s shins. Standing, Adam left the kitchen.

“Crowley,” Sam questioned.

“I just wanted to see what was going on with him to know if I could help.”

The other people looked at each other. Bobby shook his head. Standing he left the kitchen. Dean raised an eyebrow at Sam. Sam shook his head and turned back to Crowley.

“You can’t just look into people’s minds whenever you want,” Sam said quietly.

“I didn’t think he would mind that much. I just wanted to help.”

“I know.”

“Did you find anything useful,” Dean asked.

“Dean,” Sam admonished.

“What? It’s already done, we can’t take it back. Why not use anything he found out to our advantage?”

“He, uh… He’s angry about what happened. He feels betrayed.”

“Don’t we all,” Dean muttered.

Sam spared a glance to Dean before looking back to Crowley. “ _Is_ there anything you can do to help?”

Crowley shrugged. “I don’t know. I have to think about it for a bit.”

*-*-*-*-*

Crowley sat at the kitchen table thinking about how he might be able to help Adam. Usually his go to spot for thinking was the huge leather chair in Bobby’s library. Adam, however was sitting on the couch in the library right now and had tensed when Crowley entered. Crowley had left and gone to the kitchen to keep from agitating Adam further. Sam was in his room doing… who knew what. Usually Crowley would have gone to find Sam but he had wanted time alone to think. 

Someone walked into the kitchen and stood just inside the doorway. Crowley turned and saw Dean standing there watching him. Crowley eyed Dean inquisitively when he noted Dean’s loyalty had shifted slightly to include him. Really?

“Need something,” Crowley asked curious.

“You,” Dean told him.

Crowley frowned.

“Come on,” Dean ordered nodding back out of the kitchen.

“Where,” Crowley asked trepidatiously.

Dean rolled his eyes. “Just come with me.”

Crowley stood slowly. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Dean, it was just that he didn’t like not knowing what was happening. If you didn’t know then you couldn’t prepare for things. He made his way over to Dean and followed him out of the kitchen. When they reached the front door Crowley hesitated. Dean glanced back over his shoulder.

“Coming?”

“Where are we going?”

“Out,” Dean answered.

“I should tell Sam first,” Crowley countered.

“I already talked with him and he has a cell. If he needs something he’ll call.”

Crowley bit his lower lip.

Dean reached back and grabbed Crowley’s upper arm. “Just come on.”

*-*-*-*-*

The two of them stood in the middle of an abandoned farm several miles outside of town. Dean leaned against the barn carefully inspecting the fields. Crowley still had no idea what they were doing here. Neither had spoken since they had left the house. Crowley was rapidly becoming annoyed. 

“We’ve been here for twenty minutes. _Now_ can I know what’s going on,” Crowley asked.

“Soon,” Dean replied. 

Crowley crossed his arms and sulked. “I would like to go back now.”

“No can do. We both need this right now. It’s just that the time was kept secret to make sure we wouldn’t be too prepared.”

“Prepared for what,” Crowley asked suspiciously.

Suddenly several demons blinked in around them. One of them directed a bolt of energy at them and Crowley jumped out of the way.

“That,” Dean called out.

Crowley dodged another blast of demonic energy and dove behind a rusty and broken down tractor. “Thanks for the warning,” he yelled back sarcastically.

“You’re welcome,” Dean called back. Crowley growled at the smugness in Dean’s voice.

The demons came in waves. As soon as they got a few of the demons killed off more would blink in. There was no way to anticipate where they would arrive or how many there would be. It was an all and all out free for all. Kill or be killed. Nothing but him, Dean and the demons. Crowley threw himself into the battle.

By the time it was over he and Dean were standing back to back and Crowley was breathing heavily. They actually made a good pair, Crowley realized. Movement caught his attention and Crowley drew on his powers getting ready to unleash them on the next threat that came at them. Spotting Meg Crowley paused just short of releasing his power. Turning she inspected the bodies of demons that littered the area.

“Well, nice to know you haven’t gone soft,” she stated.

“Meg?”

“What? Dean didn’t tell you,” she said grinning.

Crowley turned to Dean and Dean shrugged.

“She had demons who wanted her dead. You needed to kill things, I needed a good workout.”

“You still could have told me.”

“And ruin the surprise?”

“As fun as this little shindig was, you two are going to have to find another way to deal with your issues. I’m not going to continue supplying you with demons forever,” Meg told them.

“Hey, this was your idea,” Dean argued.

“They were traitors, the last of them by the way. Next time the two of you need to vent your frustrations you’re going to have find something on your own.”

“Understood,” Dean replied. “Thanks for this though.”

“Eh, what can I say, I like helping people.

Dean scoffed at the remark.

“Speaking of helping,” Meg continued, turning to Crowley. “You’re needed in hell when you get the chance.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re still the king of the crossroads demons and they’re miffed that you haven’t been around. If you don’t check in soon I’ll have a revolt on my hands.”

“I haven’t been the king of the crossroads since-”

“I re-appointed you,” Meg cut in. “The point is, you need to show up in hell every now and then. Got it?”

Crowley glanced to Dean.

“Yep, I knew and yep, Sam knows.”

“You didn’t think I’d want to know something like that?”

“You know about it now. Plus we only got it hashed out late last night.”

“I can’t rule hell and micromanage the all of the different departments,” Meg said. “I needed someone I could trust to head the crossroads demons, and you have experience.”

“What makes you think I even want the job,” Crowley grumbled, crossing his arms.

Meg raised an eyebrow and stared at him. Finally she strode forward and stopped just in front of him. “First of all, you’re a demon and I’m the queen. You’re under my rule. I don’t _have_ to take what you want into consideration if I don’t want. Second, you need something to do to stay focused. This is as good a job for that as anything else. Third, I’m not about to let you hide away and feel sorry for yourself. He’s gone and you’re not. You need to do something more than feel sorry for yourself.”

“If I feel sorry for myself it’s none of your damn business,” Crowley snapped. “You don’t know,” he trailed off. This was Meg. Aside from himself and Lucifer, Meg was the only other person that _did_ know what he had gone through.

“Yes,” Meg stated questioningly.

“Sorry,” Crowley muttered.

“You’re required to report in at least twice a month, understood?”

“Yeah. I got it.”

“Good. We’ll if there isn’t anything else I’ll be going.”

“Meg?”

Meg raised an eyebrow and waited.

“Thank you.”

Meg gave him a real smile. “Anytime.” Crowley actually felt the bond between them becoming stronger. Meg blinked away without another word leaving Crowley and Dean standing in an empty field. 

“Remind me to thank her for the clean up job,” Dean told him.

*-*-*-*-*

As they entered the house Crowley was greeted with Sam sitting on the bottom step of the staircase. 

“Have fun?”

Crowley desperately tried not to panic. Lucifer had asked the same question after most of the torture sessions. Sam tilted his head and eyed Crowley concerned. Crowley shoved away his thoughts of Lucifer.

“Crowley?”

“Dean said you knew,” Crowley stated defensively. Instantly he cringed at the feeling that he had to defend himself when he hadn’t done anything wrong. 

“I knew.” Sam frowned at him and looked confused. “I was just wondering how it went.”

“It went… well.”

Sam eyed Dean. Dean shrugged and headed for the library.

“Sorry,” Crowley muttered. “I was just worried.”

“About what?”

Crowley sighed heavily. “Lucifer had very strict rules. Meg always woke me up before he showed so that I could be ready for him. I got a little nervous when walked in I saw you.”

“No need to be nervous. Come on, I have something to show you.”

“What?”

Sam smiled. “Just come on, will you?”

Sam headed up the stairs and Crowley followed him. At the top of the stairs they turned right and headed for Sam’s room. Crowley stood nervously as Sam put his hand on the doorknob and turned back to face him.

“If you don’t like it we can change it.”

“Change what,” Crowley asked hesitantly.

Sam opened the door and Crowley stared. Slowly he walked forward and stood in the doorway inspecting the room. There was now almost two of everything in the room. Two beds, two desks with laptops sitting on them, two dressers, two floor lamps, two bedside tables with lamps on them. On one of the bedside tables sat a stack of books he recognized as the ones he had brought from hell. The left half of the room was color coded in blues and the right half was done in greens. A large blue and green rug covered the middle of the floor. Crowley took a step into the room.

“We can change it. I mean, if you don’t like it,” Sam said in a rush.

Stunned, Crowley turned back to Sam.

“Where did you get everything?”

“We had almost all of it here already. Had to go into town for a few things though, like the computer. I could give you the details about it but those things always bore Dean. Anyway I kept the box and that has the information on it. If you don’t like it we can exchange it for a different one.”

“You didn’t have to do this.”

“Yes I did. Consider it kind of like an apology for me over-reacting last night. Plus you do deserve to have your own space.”

“Which, um…”

“Oh I, um, I thought I’d take the left since I was used to it but if you like blue better you can have it.”

“No, that’s fine. I’m good with green.”

“I didn’t ask what you were good with, I asked which side you wanted.”

Crowley actually spent time honestly thinking about that. “Right,” he answered. “I’m too used to coming in and your bed being on the left. I think it’d be easier for me if that stayed the same.”

“And green’s…”

“Green’s fine,” Crowley assured Sam. “It’s,” Crowley trailed off trying to find a way to express what he was feeling. “Thank you,” he whispered.

*-*-*-*-*

Sam woke up to a light tapping noise. Frowning he opened his eyes. Crowley was sitting at the computer tapping a pen on a notepad. The only light in the room came from Crowley’s computer. 

“Crowley,” Sam said sleepily.

The demon jumped slightly before turning around.

Sam checked his clock. “It’s almost four in the morning. What are you doing?”

“Research.”

“Why?”

“To find a way to help Adam.”

Sam rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling.

“Am I disturbing you?”

“Sort of. Can you _not_ tap your pen?”

“Oh. Yeah, sorry about that.”

“Do you really not sleep at all?”

Crowley tensed and Sam sat up.

“I try not to,” Crowley said quietly. “Demons do have sleep occasionally but it’s not usually often.”

“Why?”

“It’s just how demons are. Usually a demon requires one night of sleep every two weeks or so. An injured demon can benefit from more sleep if they chose to but most don’t.”

“Why?”

Crowley fidgeted and Sam waited, unwilling to push him.

“Nightmares,” Crowley said finally. “Normally most demons have nightmares when they sleep so they choose to forgo it whenever possible. A lot of their dreams tend to involve time spent in the torture pits.” Crowley continued to fidget. “Sometimes the dreams involve… other things.”

“Other things?”

“Yes. Like… Like if Lucifer wants something done.”

“You dream about Lucifer?”

“Like most demons many of my dreams are about torture. My torture did not end in the pits. Not all dreams of Lucifer involve torture. Most times, yes, but sometimes the dreams are merely to receive orders. Those are rare though. Mostly he is content to torture whichever demon can no longer fight sleep.

“So he’s still torturing you?”

“Not the way you think.”

“What do you mean?”

“When I dream of him now the dreams are always of the past. None of the dreams are current. I don’t think he can reach me anymore.”

“Why?”

“I believe the bond between you and I prevents it from happening. Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“I am grateful for what you’ve done to the room.”

“But?”

“I must sleep soon.”

“Okay,” Sam responded slowly.

“On the rare occasions I must sleep can I, um…”

“Sleep with me?”

“Yeah,” Crowley answered.

“Yeah,” Sam replied.


	6. Chapter 6

Crowley lay awake in the bed. After he had woken Sam, Crowley had decided to lay down. Sam would get up in a few hours and he could resume his research then. He had turned the clock on the nightstand away from the bed. If it faced the bed he couldn’t stop from checking it every five minutes even though it was completely unnecessary. He could always tell what time it was if he bothered to spare a thought. 

Yawning Crowley realized he would probably have to sleep tonight. Though the thought still scared him it didn’t terrify him as much as it used to in the past. He was pretty sure the bond kept Lucifer from actually being able to enter his dreams. Well, in the usual sense anyways. He did still have nightmares about his time with Lucifer. Crowley turned and watched Sam sleep. 

Sam had completely redecorated his room to allow Crowley to feel safe. Crowley had been content to share a bed but it had brought back some unpleasant memories. Just moving an extra bed into the room had been enough, but Sam hadn’t stopped there. An apology for over-reacting, Sam had called it. Crowley figured that was partly true. He believed it was an apology of sorts. Just not solely for the other night. It seemed to him that Sam was trying to apologize for everything Crowley had suffered at Lucifer’s hands.

Sam and Lucifer. Two different beings, vastly different in most ways and yet similar in some ways. Both were strong, confident and caring in their own right. Though Crowley doubted many people would believe there could be a softer side of the Archangel, Crowley had seen it a few times. Not that he shown it to Crowley often. On occasions there were times the Archangel had soothed him after the torture. Those times hurt more than anything. While Crowley knew Lucifer meant the soft words at the time, later he would he would forget them and continue the punishments. That’s where the similarities ended.

Sam would never forget the soft words and punish him. Sam wouldn’t hurt anyone the way Lucifer had hurt him. Sam would go out of his way to ensure that others felt comfortable, safe. Lucifer, the father of demons, wouldn’t think twice about torturing any of them. Sam would stand up against any force to protect those he considered his. He had even given up his time and his own personal space to help Crowley feel safe. Crowley glanced around the room once again and smiled. 

Lucifer had tried to force Crowley to be his slave. He had left Crowley with an unquenchable desire to attach to someone and do their will. In essence he had ensured Crowley couldn’t help but be a slave to someone even if that someone wasn’t him. Sam had taken Crowley and shown him that, despite Lucifer’s intentions, he didn’t have to be anyone’s slave. Yes, Sam and Lucifer were similar in many respects. Crowley was eternally grateful for the differences.

*-*-*-*-*

Yawning Sam stretched before opening his eyes and checking on Crowley. Not seeing the demon Sam frowned and sat up. The bed on Crowley’s side was made up and the clock on the night table was turned away from the bed. Shoving the blanket off Sam got out of bed. He didn’t actually run down the hall but he did walk faster than normal and take the stairs two at a time. Entering the kitchen Sam found Bobby and Dean sitting at the table.

“Crowley,” Sam asked worried.

Bobby and Dean exchanged glances. Finally Dean turned back to him. “Crowley went to hell to take care of the crossroad demons today. He didn’t tell you?”

“No he did not,” Sam growled leaving the kitchen.

Sam stalked back up the stairs and down the hall. Opening the door to his room he slammed it shut. Angry, he began to pace. He knew he was being irrational but he couldn’t help it. Yes, he knew Crowley was supposed to help Meg run hell but he would have appreciated being told. After everything of course Sam would be worried when Crowley just took off without letting him know. Crowley had barely left his side in the house let alone wandered off without a word. How was he supposed to keep Crowley safe if he didn’t know where the demon was? 

Sam stopped mid pace. Eyeing the pillows on Crowley’s bed Sam noticed a sheet of paper. From his bed the nightstand had blocked that part of the bed and he had completely missed the paper. Moving to Crowley’s bed Sam picked up the paper and read it. It was a note from Crowley letting him know he would be visiting hell today and not to worry if he was late getting back. Time in hell passed differently so it might be hard to judge but he would return as soon as he could. The anger melted and Sam was left cursing himself. He should have known Crowley would have let him know where he was going.

*-*-*-*-*

It was more than twelve hours later when Crowley finally showed. Sam was nervous and ready to jump to the worst by then. He had hidden himself in his room to keep the others from noticing anything. By the time Crowley entered the room Sam couldn’t stop from pulling the demon in faster and inspecting him for injuries. When he finished inspecting him Sam finally released Crowley.

“Sorry, I was just worried about you,” Sam told him.

“I left a note,” Crowley said with a frown.

“I know but I couldn’t see it when I was laying down so I missed it. Then you weren’t in the kitchen and Dean said you’d gone to hell. After that I came back up here and started to pace. It was a while after that before I finally saw the note. Oh,” Sam exclaimed as he suddenly remembered something. “Here, I got this for you.”

He shoved a cell phone into Crowley’s hand. Crowley stared at it for a while before he burst out laughing. Sam didn’t see what was so funny. If Crowley had a cell phone he would be able to check in or let someone know if he needed help. Finally Crowley’s laughter tapered off and Crowley shook his head. 

Reaching into the breast pocket of his suit he pulled out a cell phone and dropped it on his bed. “Dean,” Crowley announced as the phone hit the bed. Reaching into his back right pocket Crowley produced another phone. “Bobby,” Crowley announced as that phone hit the bed as well. Reaching into his back left pocket Crowley produced yet another phone. “Meg,” he announced as that phone joined the pile. Reaching into his right front pocket of his slacks Crowley pulled out yet another phone and held it up. “Straight from angel mail all the way from heaven… Castiel,” Crowley stated as it too joined the pile. 

When it was over Sam stared at the pile and fingered the phones. “Umm…”

“Yep,” Crowley agreed. “Pretty much how I felt about when it was happening. I’m sorry it’s just that when you gave me the phone I couldn’t help it. You know? I don’t think I’ve ever had this many people _wanting_ to be able to get ahold of me all at the same time.”

Sam’s lip twitched slightly as he resisted the urge to smile. After several seconds the smile won out and Sam grinned. “At least I programmed mine with useful numbers.”

“Most of the cells have the person who gave it to me programmed into them. All of the phones have you programmed into them.”

This time Sam didn’t even try to resist the smile. He should have known. Laughter finally overtook him. When he could finally stop laughing he shook his head. “Remind me to kill them the next time I see them. You’d think one of them could have told me.”

Crowley smiled.

“So how did it go,” Sam asked.

“Pretty good actually. I think I’m actually starting to feel better. More… normal.”

“Good.”

*-*-*-*-*

They talked for a while after that. All in all it was nice. Crowley seemed to be more like his old self than he had been for a while now. Crowley told him about how things had gone in hell. Sam watched Crowley’s face as he talked and realized Meg had been right about Crowley needing something more ‘normal’ to occupy his time. When there was a lull in the conversation Crowley yawned. 

“Tired,” Sam asked.

Crowley’s face fell and he started to chew on the corner of his bottom lip. “You said I could… um…”

“Sleep in my bed when you needed?”

“Yeah.”

“Of course.”

“Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you. For everything.” 

Sam smiled lightly. “Anytime.”

*-*-*-*-*

Sam woke up confused, his mind still foggy. Something wasn’t right. He slowly became aware of small movements. Crowley, Sam’s mind reminded him. Turning Sam squinted in the darkness. The demon was pressed up against Sam’s left side clutching Sam’s shirt shivering and murmuring something softly. Sam strained to hear what Crowley was saying. 

“I’ll beg, Master. Please, not Sam. I’ll beg,” Crowley whimpered over and over.

Sam put a hand on Crowley’s shoulder and the demon flinched in his sleep.

“Please, Master.”

“Shh, Crowley. You’re dreaming,” Sam whispered.

“Don’t hurt him.”

“Shh, Crowley.”

“Sam,” Crowley mumbled.

“It’s only a dream. You’re safe, Crowley.”

Rubbing Crowley’s back Sam continued to soothe the demon. He kept whispering anything he could think of to calm Crowley. Even without confirmation he knew what Crowley was dreaming about. The desperate pleas that Crowley mumbled were more than enough confirmation. It made him sick to hear Crowley begging to be allowed to beg, especial for _his_ safety. Choking back the protective anger that surged forward Sam kept trying to calm Crowley as the demon continue to plead.

“You break for no one, Crowley.” Sam whispered. “I won’t allow it.”

“Please.”

“Listen to me Crowley. You are not allowed to break.”

Crowley gave a soft whine. 

“You’re mine. He can’t have you.”

Sam,” Crowley whimpered.

“I’m here, Crowley. I’ve got you, you’re safe.”

Eventually the trembling eased and the whimpering slowed. 

“Shh Crowley. I’ve got you.”

“Sam,” Crowley murmured.

Relief washed through Sam as the pleading quality ebbed away. Despite Crowley calming the demon’s grip on Sam’s shirt remained firm. Sam settled a hand on Crowley’s arm and relaxed back against the pillow. Closing his eyes Sam took several deep breathes. Even after Crowley was calm Sam found it hard to calm himself. 

*-*-*-*-*

After breakfast Crowley headed back to Sam’s room to do more research. At this point it was more busy work than anything. The overwhelming theme here seemed to be anger. Anger at being used by the angels, anger at not being able to remember anything, anger at Sam for trapping them in the pit. More anger at Sam for paying attention to Crowley when, in Adam’s mind, nothing had really happened to the demon. Crowley frowned at that but ultimately chose to ignore it. 

What Crowley needed to know was how to help people cope with their problems, something he could have asked Sam about, and how to help them forgive. Therein lay the problem. Crowley had never been the go-to person for forgiveness. He had struggled with forgiveness when he had been human and when he became a demon he had completely ignored the entire concept. It had never seemed important; especially as a demon. 

An idea struck him. Demons and forgiveness? He knew just who to ask. Standing he left the room intent of finding Sam. He had to let Sam know where he was going so Sam wouldn’t worry. That thought _almost_ made him pause. The only reason it didn’t was because he had grown used to the bond compelling him to report in to his Mas-. No, not Master. Sam hated being called that. Crowley finally did pause then. If Sam wasn’t his Master than what was he? Bond-mate, Crowley decided. Yes, that worked. The sound of it was more equal and fit their relationship better.

*-*-*-*-*

Crowley blinked to hell and made his way to the throne room. While the guards were loyal to Meg, these two hated him. They were enraged at the prospect that they had to announce him and couldn’t imprison him or throw him into the pits. Ignoring their attitudes Crowley waited until it became clear they absolutely refused to announce him before striding towards the throne room. They moved to stop him and he blasted them backwards. The two landed several feet inside the throne room just before he strode into the room. Walking up to the throne Crowley bowed slightly.

“My queen.”

“Crowley,” Meg acknowledged. “Is there some reason you insist on blowing up my guards?”

“I didn’t blow them up, I merely stunned them. They refused to announce me.”

“I see,” Meg stated slowly. She snapped her fingers and the closest demon ran forward.

“Yes, my queen.”

“Take those two to the dungeon and get me better guards,” she ordered. “Next time one of my guards interfere with one of my advisors I’ll torture them myself.”

“Yes my queen,” the demon replied bowing.

“What can I do for you,” she asked Crowley.

“May we talk more privately,” Crowley asked.

*-*-*-*-*

Crowley inspected the living area of the apartments. At first he had been surprised Meg hadn’t moved into his old apartments. They were by far the most warded and protected. The longer he thought about it, the more it made sense she would pick a different place. After everything that happened in his old apartments he couldn’t blame her. Crowley pointedly didn’t mention the change in living quarters.

“You wanted to talk,” Meg said from behind him.

Crowley turned around slowly and bowed his head slightly. 

“There are many things I would discuss. I feel I should start with the bond first. I think I may be partially bonded to you.” 

“Excuse me?”

“When Lucifer was torturing me I think I bonded to you instead of him.”

“And Sam?”

“I am definitely bonded to him as well.”

“How can you be bonded to two people at once?”

Crowley licked his lips trying to find a good way to phrase this. “You were my first bond-mate.”

“Your what?”

“I needed something else to call it. I can’t call the other person Master. Sam would get upset and…”

“And?”

“And I am ordered not to ‘break’ for anyone,” Crowley finished, smiling softly. “The point is, you were my first. Lucifer tried to bond me to him but failed. I believe when he relegated part of the process to you, the care giving part, it opened up a loophole in the process allowing the bond to fall either way. Old magic like that is very picky about how it’s used. I knew you didn’t care for me but you were always there to take care of me. Lucifer hated me but he only ever hurt me. Which one would you pick?”

“So you bonded to me?”

“Partially. Lucifer never did get to complete the spell. Then Dean ‘rescued’ me. The problem with that was that he hated me as well. After they rescued me Sam began to care for me. The difference is, he wasn’t ordered to or expected to care for me. He just did it. He opened himself up to care for me when he could just as easily have done the opposite. Or maybe not. I’m not sure he could ever do that to anyone.”

“Crowley, focus,” Meg ordered.

“The point is he refused to give up on me. He cared for me no matter how hard I tried to push him away. I owed him. Still owe him in many ways. Lucifer tried to force me to be his slave. Sam made me an equal again. What Lucifer had worked so hard for, Sam would not even take freely.” 

“You offered,” Meg asked shocked.

“I did and he wouldn’t take it. When I offered he ordered me never to break for anyone else.”

Meg let out a low whistle and Crowley nodded.

“My bond with him… I’m pretty sure it’s settled. Permanent. But I’m still bonded slightly to you as well.”

“How?”

“I don’t know. I’m not overly proficient with angelic magic and according to Castiel Lucifer had changed the spell slightly.”

“So what does this mean?”

“I can tell which of your demons are loyal to you. I feel a need to check in with you when it comes to anything that has to do with the demons. I’m not sure what else that means from my side. The other night Sam got angry. I thought he was angry at me because I had just yelled at him. Then he ordered me to tell him what Lucifer had done.”

“Did you tell him?”

“Vaguely, yes.”

“And?”

“And he got angrier. I still thought the anger was directed at me.” He paused. “Then he ordered me into the bed.”

Meg growled.

“It wasn’t like that. I had told him about Lucifer taking me and he wanted to hold me, that’s all. He wanted to hold me to show me that he wouldn’t hurt me the same way. The next morning I worked up enough courage to ask him if he would ask next time instead of ordering me into bed.”

“What happened?”

“He brought a second bed in. Later Dean took me out to that little party of yours and Sam redecorated the whole room so that I had my own space.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Good,” Meg stated, crossing her arms.

“He told me the anger hadn’t been directed at me, it was directed at Lucifer. I think the bond brought out a protective streak in him.”

Meg nodded thoughtfully. “Makes sense. From what I know of magic it likes to be balanced.”

“It requires balance, yes.”

“What else did you need to talk about?”

“How did you forgive me for everything I did to you?”

*-*-*-*-*

Castiel ported into Bobby’s house apprehensively. Sam had assured him Crowley wasn’t in the house at the time. After everything the demon had been through Castiel didn’t want to do anything that would cause the demon anymore discomfort. When their energies had been intertwined he felt the damage Lucifer had left behind. It made him sick to know the things that had been done to Crowley were done by an angel. Castiel could now completely understand Crowley’s intense fear of angels. 

“Hey,” Sam greeted.

Castiel gave a nod.

“Thanks for coming.”

“You said it had something to do with Crowley.”

“Yeah. I was thinking about his fear of angels.”

“Sam,” Castiel said slowly, drawing out the name. “Crowley’s fear of angels-”

“Is in his mind.”

“Yes but technically all fears are.”

“No, I mean it’s not angels he’s afraid of.”

*-*-*-*-*

They sat in silence for the moment, both lost in their own thoughts. Crowley wasn’t sure how to take Meg’s answer. It seemed to him that it boiled down to her forgiving him because he was being tortured. Then again he had never been good with forgiveness to start with, he might be missing something. He cellphone rang and Crowley reached for it. The caller I.D. told him it was Sam calling.

“Hello,” he said as he answered the phone.

_“Hey, are you busy?”_

“Not particularly.”

_“Can you come back for home for a while?”_

“I could, yes.”

_“I have a theory I’d like to test. I want to warn you before you get here. Cass is here.”_

Crowley paused at that. The angel was at the house?

_“Crowley?”_

“I shall be there shortly. Was there anything else?”

_“No. I just didn’t want you showing up and being surprised by him.”_

“Acknowledged.”

Crowley hung up and sat back in his chair. The angel was at the house. How could he go back there knowing Castiel was there?

“What’s up,” Meg asked.

*-*-*-*-*

“I’m not sure this is a good idea.”

“Will you just trust me Cass. Besides, he knows you’re here, it’s not like I’m surprising him with this.”

“Sam angels _are_ Grace. It’s like humans being flesh and bone.”

“You said it yourself, there are variations in the Grace. It feels different if you look for the differences.”

“ _If_ he bothers to look for it. He might have a panic attack before he gets the chance to check for the differences.”

“I’ll be here if that happens. I can help calm him down.”

Castiel pressed his lips together. Even if Sam was right about his theory chances were that the initial shock of feeling angelic Grace would cause Crowley to panic. If Crowley did have another panic attack because of him Castiel couldn’t see a way to help beyond leaving. Sam may know what the demon had been through but Castiel had experienced the sensations of it when he had mixed with Crowley to rescue Sam from the pit. Knowing what happened was not the same thing as experiencing it.

*-*-*-*-*

Crowley approached the house with caution. Inching closer he paused after every step waiting for the familiar feel of angelic Grace to wash over him. Despite the slow pace and knowing what to expect, when it finally happened he was completely unprepared for it. He froze for a moment lost in the past. In his mind Lucifer was carving the symbols again ordering him to beg. Crowley whimpered. 

_Crowley blinked several times._

_“You will beg. The longer you hold out the longer I get to play with you,” Lucifer sneered._

“Shh, Crowley. I've got you,” Sam’s voice echoed through his mind.

_Sam? Crowley glanced around the room trying to find Sam._

_The knife scraped against his shoulder blade and Crowley cried out._

_“You’re mine. Accept it,” Lucifer whispered into his ear._

“You will not break for anyone,” Sam’s voice insisted.

_“The pain lasts as long as I want. Only I can stop the pain. Beg me, Crowley. Beg!”_

“You’re mine. He can’t have you,” Sam voice stated firmly.

_“Beg me!”_

_“No! I’m not yours! Not yours! Sam!”_

.

Sam’s head shot up at the sound of Crowley yelling for him. Briefly he shared a look with Cass before taking off for the front door. On his way down the stairs he almost tripped over his own feet but managed to stay upright. Racing forward he grabbed the door handle.

“Sam, please!”

Jerking the door open saw Crowley a few feet in front of him. Crowley’s eyes were glazed as if he was seeing something else, somewhere else. Sam rushed over to Crowley and wrapped his arms around him.

“Shh, Crowley. It’s okay, I’ve got you. I’m here.”

“Hurts,” Crowley whimpered.

“I know. Shh, it’s okay.”

“Sam.”

“I’m here. Come back to me, Crowley.”

“Can’t,” Crowley whined.

Holding Crowley tightly Sam closed his eyes and focused his thoughts on Crowley. 

“It’s not real. You’re not there anymore, you’re at Bobby’s house. Come back to me, Crowley. You’re safe, I’ve got you.”

After a while Crowley’s trembling began to lessen.

“Shh, that’s right. I’ve got you. You’re safe.”

“Sam?”

“It’s me, I’ve got you.”

Crowley’s grip tightened and the demon snuggled closer.

“Sam.”

“Hey, you okay?”

Crowley nodded but didn’t loosen his grip.

“It’s okay, Crowley.”

“I was… there.” 

“No. You’ve been here, in front of Bobby’s house. Safe.”

Crowley finally loosened his grip and looked around. When he spotted Cass he stiffened slightly. Sam waited to see what would happen. Finally Crowley relaxed slightly and he nodded to the angel. Cass tipped his head slightly.

“Sorry,” Sam told Crowley. “That’s why I warned you he would be here.”

“I know. It’s just…” Crowley shook his head. “It’s fine. So, what’s up?”

“I had a theory I wanted to test. At this point I think I might have been wrong.”

“What was the theory”

“I thought maybe it wasn’t angels in general that upset you. I thought it might be just their Grace reminding you of _his_ Grace.”

Crowley frowned and tilted his head. “Actually that might be right.” 

“Really?”

“I never thought of it like that.”

“I don’t see the difference,” Cass interrupted. 

“I don’t have a problem with you,” Crowley stated. “Just the feeling of Grace.”

“All angels are made of Grace, though. You can’t be around angels and not feel their Grace.”

“But their Grace all has minor differences,” Crowley pointed out. 

“Yes,” Sam agreed. “That’s what gave me the idea to start with.”

“I still don’t understand,” Cass said confused.

“You feel nothing like Lucifer,” Crowley said slowly. A small smile began to spread on his face. “Sam’s right. It’s not angels. It’s not even their Grace. It’s _Lucifer’s_ Grace. I just need to work on remembering that.” He turned back to Sam. “Sam?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you.”

Sam smiled. “You’re welcome.”


	7. Chapter 7

Slowly Crowley sat up and watched Sam sleep. Not needing sleep Crowley still found himself laying down whenever Sam went to bed. It was good for processing information and planning. Sometimes he would shut his eyes and think. Other times, like now, he would watch Sam sleep. Things could definitely be worse. Yes, he still had an urge to do someone else’s will but at least it was Sam. Sam would never make him his slave. Crowley smiled when he realized how horrified Sam would be at the thought of someone being a slave to him. Suddenly he frowned. That’s precisely what he was though. Despite whatever words they labeled it with he was still a slave.

Crowley bit the inside of his lip and chewed on it thoughtfully. No. A slave couldn’t say no and he could. Sam would accept no. Even if it made him unhappy Sam would accept no if Crowley was against something. Quietly Crowley stood and made his way to the door. Most of the time he was fine laying quietly. Tonight he was restless. Carefully he opened the door and closed it behind himself. He made his way down the stairs and to the library. When he spotted Adam sleeping on the sofa he paused. If he was quiet enough he could probably get the books he wanted without waking up the youngest Winchester.

Making his way into the library Crowley avoided the stacks of books on the floor. He had no idea what the various piles were for or even if there was any kind of order to them. He had already reshelved all the books they’d used to research how to retrieve Sam. Chaos and disorder always annoyed him. Besides, books were knowledge and knowledge was power. He always liked his books organized. Still, he didn’t dare reshelve any of these books. Even if he could find where they went he didn’t want to mess up any organization Bobby had if there was any. Quietly he set about removing the books he wanted and turned around. Adam was awake and staring at him.

“Hello,” Crowley said self-consciously.

Adam didn’t respond.

Stupid, Crowley berated himself. What did you expect, a friendly chat? He made his way to the archway intent on heading for the kitchen.

“Why are you here?”

Crowley stopped. Turning he eyed the kid. In spite of everything Adam had seen and been through he still considered Adam more like a kid than anything else. Probably just because of how young he looks, Crowley reasoned.

“I needed some books. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“No, I mean why are you still in this house.”

Adam sat up. Crossing his arms he glared at Crowley.

“I,” Crowley hesitated. Swallowing he tried again. “I need to be near Sam.”

“You need to leave,” Adam growled. 

Crowley’s brows lowered. 

“You think I don’t know what you are? You’re a demon. They should kill you before you hurt someone.”

“I wouldn’t do that. Not anymore.”

“And I’m supposed to believe you? At least Lucifer didn’t lie. When he bragged about how he was going to torture us in the pit, he kept his word.”

Those words were like being dunked in a tub of cold water. Lucifer… Torture… 

“Lucifer was a sadist,” Crowley growled.

“But at least he was honest,” Adam countered as he stood.

“Perhaps you would be happier were you still with him.”

“Instead of having _you_ poking around in my brain? Yeah, I might.”

“You have no idea what he is capable of. You know only what your human mind can process.”

“I know more of what he’s capable of than you do.”

“Careful,” Crowley growled.

“Or what? You’ll hurt me?”

Crowley’s left eyebrow twitched. This kid had no idea of the things the Archangel was capable of. His brain probably didn’t even allow for him to remember all the things Lucifer had done to him and a human couldn’t withstand the torture that a demon could. This kid needed to quit talking. Now.

“Well, if that’s settled,” Crowley stated struggling to control the rising anger.

“Hardly.”

Crowley’s left eyebrow twitched again.

“I get it. You think it was worse for you.”

“It _was_ worse for me,” Crowley growled.

“Whatever.”

Unable to stop himself Crowley reached forward. Placing his right hand on Adam’s forehead he released every memory he had of his time with Lucifer. Removing his hand he glared at the younger man. Adam stood stock still and expressionless briefly before falling to the floor in a heap. Crowley blinked stupidly. _What have I done?_

Kneeling he bent down and picked up Adam. Turning in circles he tried to figure out what he could do to help the kid. His mind blanked. Healing was not something demons did even _if_ he knew how to heal something like this. Sam, Crowley thought. I need Sam. Rushing out of the library Crowley ran up the stairs carrying Adam. When he arrived at the room he willed the door open.

"Sam!"

Sam’s eyelids fluttered slightly before his eyes opened.

“Crowley?”

“I broke him.”

Sam sat up and stared at Adam in Crowley’s arms before looking up to Crowley.

“You what?”

“He, I, he said, and then… I don’t know, it was a mistake. I didn’t mean to. I wish I could fix it but I don’t… I shouldn’t have. Help.”

“Slow down. What happened?”

“He was asleep. I needed books. He woke up and started talking about Lucifer. I don’t know. I couldn’t stop myself. He said it wasn’t worse. He said…”

“Crowley, breathe.”

“I… don’t know. I just. I couldn’t stop myself. I gave him my memories. Memories of… Lucifer.”

“Of Lucifer torturing you?”

“Yes, fix it.”

Crowley held the slack body of Adam out towards Sam. Sam moved and got out of the bed.

Dean and Bobby appeared in the doorway. Dean, holding a gun, inspected the room. His eyes fixed on Crowley holding Adam.

“Lay him down,” Sam instructed.

Crowley laid Adam down on Sam’s bed and backed away until he ran into his own bed then slid to the floor.

“Fix it,” he whispered.

“What happened,” Dean asked.

“I’m not sure,” Sam answered as he knelt down next to the bed. “As far as I can tell Crowley gave Adam his memories of Lucifer.” Sam began inspecting Adam.

Dean turned to Crowley. “Why?”

“I… I was… mad,” Crowley whispered. “He said it wasn’t worse for me. I tried to leave but… I don’t know, I should have left. I tried to but… Sam? Can you fix it?”

“He’s a person Crowley,” Dean growled. “You don’t ‘fix’ people.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Pulling his legs up he curled into a ball and hid his face.

“Quiet you two,” Sam hushed them. “I think he’s coming around.”

Crowley’s head shot up. Quickly he stood and craned his neck trying to see Adam over Sam’s shoulder. Adam blinked slowly several times. Turning he looked over to Sam. The confusion on Adam’s face hurt. Crowley whined in the back of his throat. Turning towards Crowley, Adam flinched. Crowley couldn’t help it. Crowley fled. Rushing out of the room he ran down the stairs and out the front door. Without bothering to shut the door he blinked to hell.

*-*-*-*-*

“God damn it,” Sam cursed. “Stay with him,” Sam told Dean before taking off after Crowley. As he made his way down the stairs he stopped when he noticed the front door was wide open. “Fuck,” Sam muttered. If Crowley had gone outside he could be anywhere. He couldn’t follow Crowley if Crowley had blinked somewhere. Slowly he made his way down the stairs. Putting a hand on the door frame he looked around. “Crowley!” When there was no answer he cursed again.

*-*-*-*-*

Two days. Two fucking days and still no Crowley. The demon hadn’t even taken a cell phone with him. Sam struggled to control his anger. How the hell was he supposed to _protect_ the demon when he didn’t _know_ where the demon _was_? God he wanted to, no needed to, punch something. There was a knock downstairs at the front door and Sam ignored it. Fucking hell, he needed to get a grip on himself. The last thing he needed to do when Crowley returned was to be angry at him. _If_ he returned… Sam froze at the thought that Crowley might not return. He had to return. Didn’t he?

“Sam,” Dean called from the bottom floor.

“What,” Sam yelled back.

“You might wanna get down here.”

Sam growled. “Why?”

“Just get down here. Now, Sam.”

Sam huffed and stalked to the door. Exiting his room he stalked down the stairs and made his way to the library. He stopped short when he finally spotted Crowley. The demon was topless and thin, fresh welts covered his torso. Crowley was staring at the floor intently with his shoulders hunched forward.

“What happened,” Sam growled. 

“Okay, hear me out,” Dean stated. “Hear me out completely before you go off half-cocked and do something stupid.”

“Dean,” Sam warned.

“He, um… Apparently he went to hide in hell.”

“Demons,” Sam growled.

“Not exactly.”

“Explain.”

“Meg finally found out Crowley was in hell. Apparently he was avoiding her as well. She asked him what he was doing there but he wouldn’t tell her. She, um, had to punish him to get him to talk.”

“I’ll kill her.”

“No, you won’t.”

“The fuck I won’t. I’ll fucking kill her.”

“No. She had to do it.”

“My ass.”

“Sam listen to me. She did the least amount possible. You didn’t see her face when she brought him back.”

“She was here and you let her go?”

“There is nothing you can do that’ll hurt her more than she already is hurting.”

“Yeah, cause that makes perfect sense. ‘This is going to hurt me worse than it hurts you.’,” Sam said sarcastically.

“Yes,” Dean said sternly as he grabbed Sam’s shoulders. “Remember, she took care of Crowley after Lucifer tortured him. She cleaned his wounds and bandaged him. She didn’t want to hurt him but she had to maintain order. When he openly defied her in the middle of the throne room she had to do something. It’s not her you should be mad at. You want to be mad, you make sure that you’re mad at the right person. The person that _actually_ hurt him.”

Sam pressed his lips together and didn’t answer. Finally he turned and walked over to Crowley, inspecting the injuries. “Whip,” Sam asked quietly. 

Crowley flinched. 

“I asked you a question,” Sam whispered. 

Crowley nodded. 

“Compare it. Compare it to Lucifer. Out loud.”

Crowley began to tremble.

“Now,” Sam hissed.

“She… it… Not the same. He… She didn’t really hurt me. It just looks… bad. Looks worse than it is. For show. Because I refused to cooperate in front of the others.”

“How painful was it?”

Crowley shook his head. “Not bad. She also picked spots with scarring. So I would feel it less.”

“Why?”

“So it didn’t hurt as much.”

“No, I mean why did you leave me.”

“I… I messed up. I hurt him. I didn’t mean it but I couldn’t fix it. He said… He just got through telling me I should leave before I hurt someone and then… I did. I couldn’t stay.”

“Yes, Crowley, you could have. You should have.”

“I’m sorry Sir.”

“My room. Now.”

Crowley stood there trembling.

“I said, _now_.”

Crowley rushed out of the room.

“Sam,” Dean drawled slowly.

“I can’t.”

“You can’t what?”

“I can’t do this!” Sudden rage filled him. “I can’t take care of him. I can’t keep him safe. I can’t make sure no one hurts him when he just takes off whenever he wants! He didn’t even take a phone! What if something had happened to him? What if she hurt him more than she did? What if… Fuck!”

“Sam,” Dean said slowly. “What are you going to do to him?”

“I don’t know.” Suddenly his anger dissipated. Spent he dropped down onto the nearest chair and sighed. “I sent him away because I _didn’t_ want to hurt him. _Didn’t_ want to do anything to him, Dean. I just… It makes me so mad, you know. I don’t even… Maybe he’s right. Maybe I am being affected by the bond. I just want to protect him but he makes it so hard sometimes.”

“He’s trying Sam.”

“I know. God, don’t I know. And that makes me even madder. He shouldn’t have to try to be anything. He shouldn’t have had to go through what he went through.”

“He needs you, you know,” Dean said quietly. “You’re all he has.”

“I wish… I wish I knew how to help him.”

“You might try talking to him,” Dean suggested.

“I don’t know if I can be in the same room and not yell at him.”

“I think if you explain why you’re upset he might understand why you feel like yelling at him.”

“I don’t want to yell at him Dean. You talk to him. Tell him for me.”

“No.”

“Dean-”

“No. He’s bonded to you not me. With what he’s been through, my assurances won’t do any good. He needs to hear it from you. Right now he’s in your room terrified. He needs to know you’re not pissed at him. He needs to know _why_ you’re pissed. He won’t believe anyone else if they try to tell him different. What he needs, is you.”

“Damn it,” Sam muttered.

*-*-*-*-*

Shakily Crowley knelt down in the middle of the room and bowed his head. Treacherous tears leaked from his eyes. _Stop it_ , he ordered himself. He didn’t deserve to feel sorry for himself. What he did deserved was whatever punishment Sam would mete out. He had fucked up. He deserved to be punished for his fuck up. Still he couldn’t stop the steady stream of tears. When the door finally opened he trembled harder. He wasn’t scared of how he would be punished. He was upset that he had hurt Sam. His tears weren’t for himself. His tears were for having hurt Sam.

“Why,” Sam asked quietly.

“I don’t understand,” Crowley admitted quietly, sniffling.

“Why did you doubt me?”

Crowley broke. Sobs racked his body as he cried. “I’m sorry, Sam.”

“You thought…” 

“I’m sorry! Please Sir. Forgive me. I accept. Whatever punishment you want, I accept, just forgive me. Please!”

“Crowley.”

“I’m sorry!”

“Stop.”

Crowley sniffled and hiccupped. Struggling to pull himself together he tried to stifle the sobs. Still shaking he nodded. He meant it. He would accept whatever punishment Sam deemed worthy for him. He had screwed up and needed to atone. He needed to do whatever it took to make this better. Whatever it took to keep Sam from sending him away. The deathly quiet voice Sam was using terrified him.

“I’m sorry,” Sam said in the same terrifyingly quiet voice.

Crowley frowned and knitted his brows. Sam was sorry?

“For whatever I did to you. For whatever it was that made you not trust me, I’m sorry.”

Crowley’s jaw trembled. Sam was blaming himself. He was blaming himself for _his_ mistakes. Crowley burst into tears again. _Please no_ , Crowley begged. _Don’t let him blame himself. It’s my fault!_ He had no idea when Sam had knelt down beside him but at some point he became conscious of Sam’s arms around him.

“Please! I’m sorry, Sir. It’s not you, it’s me! I was wrong. Please don’t, please don’t, please don’t.” For a time that was all he was all he could say. He _had_ to get Sam to understand it wasn’t his fault. _Needed_ to make sure Sam didn’t blame himself. “I’m so sorry!”

“Shh, Crowley. Shh. It’s okay now.”

“It’s not! You blame yourself and you didn’t do anything wrong!”

“Shh, baby. It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I broke Adam. I’m sorry I have problems with Castiel. I’m just sorry. Don’t leave me! I’ll do better, promise! Don’t leave me!”

“I’m not leaving you baby. Shh. I’m here. I’ve got you now. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Please?”

“Never.”

“I’m so sorry,” Crowley murmured into Sam’s chest.

“Shh, Crowley. Everything will be okay. I’m not leaving you. Ever.”

“Promise,” Crowley asked sniffling.

“Promise.”

“It’s not your fault. Don’t blame yourself, Sir. Please?”

“Crowley,” Sam stated firmly.

Crowley shook but couldn’t speak. 

“Crowley,” Sam said even more firmly.

“I…” 

“Don’t. _Do not_ blame yourself.”

“I ran. I’m so sorry. I was scared. I hurt him. And then you. You were so… upset. I was scared!”

“I know. Shh, baby.”

“Please,” Crowley begged.

“Crowley?”

“Sam. My precious Sam.”

“Why did you run?”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

“Hush. Why Crowley?”

“I was scared.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, you didn’t do anything.”

“You were scared though. I must have done something to scare you.”

“ _No!_ It wasn’t you. Please don’t blame yourself. It wasn’t you, it was _him_.”

“That you _can_ compare me to him tells me I did something wrong.”

Crowley stiffened horrified. “No,” he breathed. “No. It… It wasn’t like that.”

“You said it yourself. You were scared. Of me.”

“No! Not of you! Never! Sam? Please, I don’t… Help me. I… it wasn’t your fault, it was mine.”

“I think your bond is affecting me. It hurts, Crowley. It hurts when you reject me.”

“I wasn’t,” Crowley protested.

“Feels like it,” Sam muttered.

“Sam. I’m so sorry. No. I wasn’t. Please don’t.”

“It just… hurts.”

Had he really cause all the pain he felt from his Sam? Gods no. For the first time in his life Crowley prayed. _God? I know, I’m a demon, I know. I have no right to pray to You. But. Please? Help my Sam. It’s not his fault I’m a demon. It’s not his fault I’m defective. It’s not his fault I break everything I touch. Please help him. Please?_

“I want to protect you,” Sam whispered. “I want to protect you but you run from me.”

“No. I mean…”

“Yes.”

Crowley burst into tears again and slid down in Sam’s lap. He _had_ ran from Sam.

“How do I fix this,” Sam asked. “I want to fix this for you. I just… I don’t know how.”

“No.” Crowley sniffled back his tears. “It’s me. I have to fix this. You didn’t… I did… everything. It’s not you. I am so sorry Sir.”

“No!”

Crowley flinched.

"No, not Sir! Sam. I can live with almost anything. I cannot live with you calling me Sir.”

“I can call you anything you want. Please don’t leave me!”

.

Crowley was almost hysterical. Sam knew he had to do something. If he didn’t then Crowley would only get worse. He had to help his demon, he just didn’t know how. God his demon was so… damaged. He definitely had to help his demon before he was too broken to help. Crowley deserved all the protection he could get. Sam just wasn’t sure if he could provide it. _God, Crowley. Please be okay,_ he begged.

“Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re not… you’re not…”

“Leaving?”

Crowley’s face fell and he ducked his head into Sam’s chest. 

“No, baby. I will not leave you.”

Baby? When did he start calling Crowley that? It felt… right. 

“Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“You won’t, will you. I promise to try harder, I promise.”

“Hush baby. I won’t leave you.”

“Promise me?”

“I promise baby. I promise.”

“Gods, Sir. Sam, I mean Sam!”

“Hush,” Sam soothed.

“Please! Don’t leave me, please! I can do better. I can be what you want. I can-”

“Hush!”

Crowley stopped short and hiccuped. 

After a brief spate of time he whispered, “Please?”

“Shh,” Sam murmured. “It’s okay baby.” He gave up trying to figure out when he began calling Crowley baby. It didn’t matter. What mattered was getting his demon through this. 

“Love you,” Crowley whispered.

Sam sat, shocked. Did Crowley really just say that?

“Not your fault,” Crowley muttered. “Don’t leave me?”

“Never,” Sam soothed. He rubbed Crowley’s back absently. Did the demon really say he loved him?


	8. Chapter 8

In the still silence Crowley lay curled up against his Sam. His eyes stared vacantly over the room as he tried to comfort himself with the fact that Sam wasn’t going to ask him to leave or throw him away. How had he let Sam think this was his fault? He had to do something to fix this. There was a soft knock at the door and Crowley held his breath. Sam didn’t stir. Slowly the door opened and Adam poked his head into the room. Crowley bit his bottom lip.

“Hey,” Adam whispered.

Crowley licked his lips. “Hey,” he said softly.

“Can we talk?”

Crowley glanced back over his shoulder. Sam didn’t move. Carefully he extracted himself from Sam’s arms and made his way across the room. Before he left he gave one more last look to Sam. Sam shifted slightly and wrapped his arm around himself. Adam opened the door farther and stood back. Crowley finally exited the room. Adam made his way down the hall and then the stairs. They ended up and in the library. 

“Adam, I-”

“No, me first.”

Crowley nodded and waited for Adam to continue.

“I’m sorry I negated what you went through,” Adam said quietly. “I didn’t get everything but I got enough.”

“My fault. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“No, you should have done it sooner. I was wrong to belittle your experiences. What you suffered was horrible.”

“I…” What? He didn’t know where to go from there.

“Do you care for Sam?”

Crowley stared, shocked.

“I mean I know it’s probably not love, exactly, but you do care for him. Right?”

“I…”

“Of course you do. I can feel it. I mean… I just want to know how. I mean is it like a friend thing or something else?”

“You can what?”

“Feel it. I don’t know how to explain it. When you gave me the images of what happened to you I got the emotions connected with them as well. Everytime I saw Sam I got this warm fuzzy feeling associated with him.”

“Sam… I… We’re bonded,” Crowley stated carefully.

“Yeah, but… never mind. I just wanted to apologize.”

“Not your fault,” Crowley muttered distractedly.

“That’s the point. It is my fault.”

Crowley frowned and shifted uncomfortably as Adam seemed to be inspecting him.

“Do they hurt?”

“No.”

“Really?”

“I have had worse.”

“That doesn’t mean these can’t hurt.”

“That I upset Sam hurts more than these ever could.”

“Why did you leave?”

“I hurt you.”

“No you didn’t.”

“You passed out.”

“Yeah, well you did just give me a ton of information in the span of a few seconds. I’m still trying to sift through it. It’s like I can only absorb so much of it at a time.”

“I am sorry about that.”

“Don’t be. I wasn’t doing so well before that. Hell, I’m still not doing so well. It just kind of helped put things into perspective. I mean, I’m still not sure how I feel about you but I can acknowledge that you had it at least as rough and you’re still functioning.”

Crowley gave a derisive laugh. “Functioning? I don’t know that I’d go that far.”

“Compared to me,” Adam asked.

There was that, Crowley thought. Compared to Adam Crowley was actually doing pretty well. He started to feel a little better about himself.

“How do you cope with everything,” Adam asked. “I mean, it just gets to be too much sometimes. I don’t know how to deal with everything.”

“I kill things,” Crowley admitted.

Adam blanched. 

“Not in this house you don’t.”

Both Adam and Crowley jumped. Turning his head Crowley spotted Bobby in the doorway to the library. Crowley bit his lower lip. “No, not in this house. Usually in hell.”

“Yeah, about that,” Bobby stated. “No more impromptu vacations?”

“No,” Crowley agreed.

“Good. When you take off we’re the ones that have to deal with him. Do it again and I’ll find you and drag your sorry ass back.”

Crowley nodded.

“Right. Now get back up there before he realizes you’re gone.”

“Too late,” came the soft reply from somewhere behind Bobby.

Crowley winced and Bobby cursed. Sam slowly made his way into the library. 

“Someone call a meeting and forget to tell me?”

“I wanted to talk to Crowley,” Adam admitted.

Sam eyed Adam doubtfully.

“He came up to our room and asked if we could talk. I didn’t want to wake you.”

Sam shifted his gaze to Bobby.

“Couldn’t sleep,” Bobby grunted. “Figured I’d research a few things.”

“Bobby,” Crowley interrupted suddenly. “Your books. Is there any reason for the piles?”

“Yeah, cause I haven’t put them back on the shelf yet.”

“Can I? It’s just that I like books organized. I didn’t want to move them without asking you first though.”

“You know how the shelves are organized?”

“Mostly, yes. If I have questions I’ll ask.”

“Go for it.”

Crowley smiled happily. He reached down and grabbed several books. Sam removed the books from his hands and placed them on the nearest table. Taking Crowley’s hand Sam led them out of the library. Crowley chewed on his lower lip. When they entered the bedroom he watched Sam slide into his bed.

“Your bed or mine tonight,” Sam asked softly.

“I…”

“I can’t sleep without you in here right now. I spent two days not knowing if you were dead. I need you in the same room, so your bed or my bed?”

“Which do you want,” Crowley asked.

“No, you decide what you want. I refuse to force you into anything.”

“So, you want-”

“Stop.” Sam sat up. “You decide. You. If you want your bed that’s perfectly fine. If you want to sleep in my bed tonight that’s fine too. I just want you in the same room.”

“If you’re not too mad…”

“I am.”

“Oh.”

“Crowley, you left. You just took off and I had no idea if you were safe or not. Yes, I’m mad. That doesn’t mean I don’t want you near me. I need to be reminded you’re all right. I need to know you’re here. Alive.” Sam ran a hand through his hair. “You want to sleep in my bed don’t you?”

Crowley bit his lower lip and nodded. Laying down Sam raised an arm and waited. Crowley carefully crawled into the bed and Sam draped his arm over Crowley. He curled up slightly and snuggled backwards against Sam’s chest. Sam might think he needed Crowley but Crowley was the one that needed Sam. Gods he felt so small right now. As if sensing Crowley’s thoughts Sam tightened his hold slightly.

“Not too tight?”

“No.”

“Doesn’t hurt the wounds?”

“No.”

“Good. Rest.”

Nodding Crowley closed his eyes and let himself be comforted by Sam’s presence.

*-*-*-*-*

By morning Sam had shifted until his chin rested on Crowley’s neck. Soft little breaths ghosted over his his neck and Crowley smiled. Sam’s arm still rested lightly over Crowley’s chest. Whatever discomfort he had felt from any pressure on the whip marks was nothing compared to the comfort he felt at being in Sam’s arms. How could he have ever left?

Sam shifted slightly and Crowley waited patiently. A few more minutes of stillness and Sam shifted again. When Sam made soft noises Crowley knew Sam would be awake fairly soon. Finally Crowley opened his eyes. Another shift and another soft, “mm”. Finally Sam’s arm lifted off of him. Crowley bit his lip, sad for the loss of comfort the arm had provided. He shifted slightly himself until he could look at Sam. Sam’s eyes were open.

“Morning,” Crowley whispered.

Sam didn’t speak. Slowly he raised a hand and placed it on Crowley’s cheek. Fingers rubbed over Crowley’s right cheekbone lightly. Closing his eyes Crowley leaned into the touch and sighed happily.

“I’m sorry I yelled,” Sam whispered.

Crowley whimpered.

“Shh, baby.”

“I’m sorry I hurt you.”

The fingers on his cheek stilled and Crowley opened his eyes.

“I need to know,” Sam said softly. “Why, Crowley? What made you scared?”

“Lucifer. If it had been him here…”

“But it wasn’t. It was me.”

“I know.”

“I reminded you of him?”

“No! I- you-. No, no, no. You _never_ remind me of him.”

Sam continued staring at him without speaking.

“I just panicked Sam. That’s not on you, it’s on me.”

“Maybe it’s the bond but I just felt… betrayed when you left. I feel responsible for keeping you safe. I don’t think that’s the bond. I felt the same way when we first rescued you before we ever bonded. After the bond though… Every time I think about the things he did to you I get pissed. When you ran I just kept thinking it was my fault. That look on your face? And then you ran. Two days and not a word. Yes, I was angry. No, it wasn’t at you. I was angry at myself. Angry because I thought I did something to hurt you like he did.”

“Never.”

“Don’t run again?”

“No.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

*-*-*-*-*

Breakfast was a quiet affair. Sam, Dean, Bobby and Adam sat at the table. Crowley was off in the library reshelving books. Occasionally Sam would glance to Adam. After Crowley had taken off Sam had only checked in with Adam two times that next day. Whatever Crowley had done didn’t appear to have much of an effect. Adam still walked through the house silently with a blank look on his face. The next day Sam didn’t even bother checking on him. That had been the day Sam had holed up in his room refusing to leave. To his knowledge Adam hadn’t said a word to anyone until last night with Crowley.

“Yes,” Adam asked quietly.

Startled, Sam jumped a little.

“You keep looking over like you want to say something.”

“I was just wondering what you and Crowley talked about.”

“I apologized.”

“For what?”

“I said some things that… weren’t right. When we were rescued I remember him being there but not when we were leaving. I only remembered Cass.”

“Crowley stayed to seal the breach in the cage.”

“I know that now, but I didn’t then. And then he and Lucifer seemed to be… connected? I don’t know. It’s just that in my mind they kind of became one. So when we got back here I didn’t want him around. I transferred my anger from Lucifer onto Crowley.”

“He risked his life for you,” Sam said softly.

“I know that _now_. I now also know some of what Lucifer did to him.” Adam shivered slightly. “So I apologized,” he whispered.

“Thank you,” Sam told Adam.

“Whatever,” Adam muttered as he went back to eating.

Standing Sam left to go find Crowley. The demon was still in the library and all the books were finally off of the floor. Sam smiled. It was the first time he could remember the floor of Bobby’s library being devoid of books. A small pile still sat on the desk and Crowley was inspecting one of the shelves. Suddenly the demon stopped moving and cocked his head slightly. 

“Sam?”

“How do you do that?”

Crowley turned around and shrugged. “I can always feel you. The closer you are the stronger the feeling.”

Opening his mouth Crowley stiffened before he could speak. Fear darted behind the demon’s eyes briefly before the demon seemed to relax slightly. “Castiel,” Crowley whispered. Walking out of the library Crowley made his way to the kitchen. When Sam and Crowley entered the kitchen Cass eyed Crowley carefully. Crowley gave the angel a small half-smile before leaning against the doorframe.

“Crowley,” Cass greeted cautiously.

“Castiel.”

“I trust you are… well?”

“I am as well as can be expected,” Crowley answered.

“What’s up,” Sam asked.

Cass hesitated for a moment. “It’s, um, not particularly good news.”

“Care to clarify,” Crowley asked.

“The spell Lucifer used, was using… um.”

“On me,” Crowley asked.

“Yes. It, um, it’s irreversible now. There’s only a small window when we could have broken the spell but it’s set now.”

“But he never finished it,” Sam protested.

“That’s the other bad news,” Cass told them. “If it isn’t finished Crowley will eventually be driven insane.”

“Insane how,” Sam asked.

Cass turned back to Crowley. “How you were before we got Sam back?” 

Crowley gave a nod.

“It’ll be like that for a while. Then it’ll get worse. It starts slow and the longer it goes on the faster the madness will grow. We may get a few years if we’re lucky.”

“No. I won’t do it,” Sam stated angrily. “I won’t make him a slave to me and I won’t allow anyone else to either!”

“It’s not a question of what we want,” Cass began.

“No,” Sam shouted cutting him off.

“Yes,” Crowley whispered.

All eyes in the room turned to Crowley.

“You don’t know what it was like without you Sam. I can’t go back to that again.”

“I won’t do it.”

“I don’t trust anyone else enough. It has to be you.”

“There’s Meg,” Dean suggested.

Sam growled at his brother.

“No,” Crowley said quietly. “She wouldn’t do it. Even if she could I couldn’t. For me she will always be a part of before.”

“Before,” Dean asked. 

“Before Sam. Before here. Before I was safe. Just before.”

“I can’t do it Crowley,” Sam said.

“You don’t have to. There is one other option.”

“Anything.”

“Let me go.”

“What?”

“I can’t go back to before I had you. I won’t go back to when I lost you. Let me go.”

“Let you go,” Sam repeated slowly.

“Yes. We have plenty of time for the goodbye and then…” Crowley turned to Cass. “Would you do it?”

Understanding rushed through Sam and he growled. Grabbing Crowley’s shoulders he spun the demon around to face him. “No.”

“You never forced me to do anything,” Crowley whispered. “I won’t force this on you. If you are truly against this I won’t force you.”

“You are _not_ allowed to kill yourself.”

“If you don’t want to finish the bonding then I have no other options. You don’t know what it was like when you were gone. Gods Sam. The dreams, the ache, the need. The cravings for violence. The desire to lash out at anything and everything. I can’t go through that again. Everything hurt so much. I just wanted it to stop hurting. It was only ever better when I was around you. If you can’t do this, that’s fine. But please, please, let me go.”

“I…” 

“It’s okay, Sam. It’s okay to let me go.”

“Everything you’ve been through…” 

“I would never have survived without you. You saved me, Sam. Now you have to let go of me. It’s okay Sam. I’m okay with this.”

“I’m not,” Sam whispered. 

“You saved me. You kept me safe. You kept me from being anyone’s slave. You gave me my life back. I owe you so much. I won’t force you to do anything. I’m okay with this. It’s okay to let go of me now.” Crowley paused. “I love you, Sam.”

“Please don’t do this.”

“I have to. You have to let me.”

Sam wrapped his arms around his demon. “No. God Crowley. I can’t. You’re mine to protect. I need you here.”

His demon snuggled against him and Sam realized how true those words were. He did need Crowley. Crowley’s arms wrapped around him and Sam nuzzled Crowley’s neck. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t let Crowley go.

“Crowley,” Sam whispered. “What do you want? If you had to pick either way, what do you _want_?”

“You, always you.”

“Positive?”

“Yes. Always you.”

“I’ll do it.”

*-*-*-*-*

Sam stared at the knife. _You’re supposed to protect him, not hurt him._ Could he really do this? _If_ he did this could he ever forgive himself? The thought of hurting Crowley on purpose turned his stomach. The demon had already been through so much. Something prickled the hairs on the back of his neck and his head shot to the door. Crowley stood in the doorway watching him carefully.

“It’s okay, you know?”

“What is?”

“What you have to do, it’s okay.” 

Sam couldn’t answer.

Sighing heavily Crowley moved to sit down on the bed and leaned his head against Sam’s shoulder.

“You don’t have to worry about me. I know you, you won’t hurt me more than you have to. I trust you. Trust yourself.”

“I still don’t want to hurt you.”

“If you don’t do this it’ll hurt me worse later.”

“I wish I didn’t have to do this.”

“You know, when I first came to this house I hated it.”

Sam frowned. “When we rescued you from hell?”

“No. When _Dean_ rescued me from hell. It wasn’t until _you_ rescued me from hell that I started to like it here.”

"I don't understand."

“When Dean rescued me he pulled my body out of hell. Mentally I was still there, still bound against my will to Lucifer. I knew how pissed he would be and I hated being here because it would get me punished. I hated that I was weak, needy, subservient. I hated Lucifer for binding me to him and I hated being here because it kept me away from Lucifer. As much as I hated him I needed him.

When you rescued me you pulled _me_ out of hell. You refused to give up on me no matter how angry I got. You took care of me without babying me. You were kind when it was needed and firm when that was needed. You refused to let me wallow in pity and you refused to take any shit. You took care of me without expecting anything in return. You granted me time alone and yet forced me to socialize. You helped me regain my independence piece by agonizing piece.

That’s the difference Sam. That’s when I started to like being here. That’s when I first wished it had been you instead of Lucifer. Then you said yes to him. I went to the cemetery with everyone but I couldn’t help. I froze Sam. I could feel him, feel his Grace calling out to me and I panicked. I tried to tell myself I had to help you but I couldn’t move. When you fell and the ground closed over you I felt it for the first time. The emptiness where I used to be bonded to you. I was bonded to you and had lost you before I’d even realized it. I couldn’t think of anything else beyond getting you back. I needed you then. I still need you now.”

“Crowley?”

“Yes?”

“Before we begin… In case I forget to say it later… I love you.”

“I love you too.”

*-*-*-*-*

_Pain. There was nothing else, just the pain. Painful ripping and tearing and burning and cutting. Please, please make this end. Please make the pain stop. Please, just a small break from this endless, torturous pain. I’ll do anything, please just let this end, he begged. Anything to stop the pain. Please! Anyone! Suddenly the pain in his shoulders cooled. More, he wanted to beg. More, please! As if on cue the coolness spread down his arms. He became aware of hands. Hands on his arms. The hands were cool. He needed those hands. Needed more touches. Moving slowly the hands made their way farther down his arms. His flesh cooling, pain being driven back. More!_

_“Shh, I’ve got you. You’re safe.”_

_Safe? Yes, as long as that voice told him he was safe then he was. That voice would always keep him safe. The hands moved over his hands and the pain retreated more. He could have cried in relief. Maybe he was crying, he couldn’t tell. All he knew was that the hands touching him drove the pain away. He spread his fingers and the other hands trailed over each and every one of his fingers. Yes this. This was what he wanted. Needed. More of this, more of the voice whispering to him. Releasing the pain he relaxed into the soft caresses. He gave himself over to them. This. This is what I need. This is right. This._

.

“Shh, Crowley. I’ve got you. You’re safe now. It’s all over baby. It’s over.” 

“More,” Crowley whimpered. “Please more.”

Sam continued to softly run his hands over Crowley’s skin. The demon’s skin was hot to the touch. Slowly the skin seemed to cool under his hands. If this was what his demon needed then he would do this. This was his demon to protect. No one would ever hurt his demon. He would make sure of that. This was what he needed. This was right. This.


	9. Chapter 9

Epilogue 

*-*-*-*-*  
Some weeks later  
*-*-*-*-*

Sam ran a finger down the side of his demons face. The naked demon lying underneath Sam whimpered and twitched slightly. Soon, Sam thought. Not yet, but soon. First he would tease his demon. Leaning forward he sucked on his demons earlobe. The demon bucked and Sam smiled as he continued to suck. Finally he scraped his teeth lightly across the skin as he pulled back. Meeting his demon’s eyes Sam was struck by a wave of possessiveness. 

“Mine,” he growled.

“All yours,” Crowley panted. “Please. Take me. Now.”

“No. I’m not done playing with you yet,” Sam informed Crowley.

Crowley shivered underneath him.

“As you wish.”

“Do not move,” Sam ordered.

Crowley shook his head back and forth and Sam smiled. His demon only thought he was speechless now. By the time Sam was done the demon would be reduced to a quivering puddle of pleasure, he would see to that. Sam made his way downward until he was eye level with Crowley’s navel. Gently he put his a hand on the demon’s stomach. The stomach muscles pulled taut and Crowley flinched slightly. Finally the stomach muscles relaxed. 

“That’s it,” Sam whispered. “You’re safe here. Relax.”

Leaning forward he placed his tongue just below Crowley’s navel and licked downward slowly. Crowley usually couldn’t stand for anyone to touch his stomach. Sam considered it a point of pride that the demon trusted him enough to relax when he touched the area. Yes, my demon. Only mine. 

“Master,” Crowley whimpered.

So that was what kind of mood Crowley was in tonight? Sam smirked, he could definitely accommodate the demon. The only time Crowley ever called Sam Master was in bed, and he only ever used that word when he wanted Sam to dominate him. Yes, Sam could do that. Needed to do that right now. He would double check first, like always, but he could definitely do that tonight. He made his way back up Crowley’s body and kissed the demon roughly. When the kiss broke Crowley tipped his head backward slightly and turned to the side exposing his neck.

“Ah ah ah, pet. You know the rules.” 

“Please, I need,” Crowley whined.

“Oh trust me, I know what you need. We have plenty of time to get to everything. For now, look at me.”

Crowley turned back and met Sam’s eyes. “Yes, Master. I want this. I know I can say stop. I know you won’t hurt me more than I like. I know you will stop even if I don’t say it if you think something is wrong. I know you love me.”

“Good pet,” Sam growled.

Crowley shivered and exposed his neck once more. “Please?”

The word had barely left Crowley’s lips before Sam struck. His mouth latched onto the part of the neck that branched into the shoulder muscles. Biting down into the muscle just hard enough he sucked. Crowley responded instantly. Groaning in pleasure the demon bucked underneath him several times and muttered those beautiful dirty words Sam loved to hear coming out of Crowley’s mouth. When Sam finally released the neck he ran his tongue over the teeth marks. Crowley gasped. Yes. Tonight was going to be good.

*-*-*-*-*

Crowley woke up slowly. Something felt good. Very good. His hips rolled and he hummed happily. Yes, this was most definitely the best way to wake up.

“Crowley,” Sam whispered.

No matter what, Sam refused to take him unless Crowley agreed first.

“Mmm yes. I want,” he answered without opening his eyes.

Instantly Sam spread Crowley’s legs and pressed a finger inside. Crowley’s body instinctively pressed down on the finger. “I’m ready,” he panted. “Take me. Please.”

“And if I want to play with you first,” Sam asked inserting a second finger.

“Yes! Yes, anything you want! … Oh yes.”

“Mmm there’s a good pet.”

Crowley nodded vigorously. “Yes, very good. Let me be good for you. Please Master, let me show you how good I can be.”

“You wish to do the work?”

Crowley nodded again. “Yes,” he moaned. “Lie back. Let me do it. I can be very good.”

The fingers stilled and Crowley tried, unsuccessfully, to stifle a whine. Sam was teasing him. Unfair! The fingers wiggled slightly but didn’t move in or out. He held out for as long as he could before finally breaking.

“Please,” he begged. “Please, please, please. Move them. Let me move. Fuck me. Do something, please!”

“Demanding aren’t you,” Sam asked sounding amused. 

Crowley growled in frustration. Trembling he did his best to remain still. He wouldn’t be punished if he moved but his Master would be happy if he could follow the rules. He loved to make his Master happy. Must not move. Finally, when he didn’t think he could hold out any longer, the fingers moved. Crowley sobbed in relief.

“Good pet. You did very good.”

Three fingers. Crowley moaned as he rocked himself on the fingers moving in and out at a maddeningly slow pace. Gods Sam was trying to drive him insane! Two could play at this game. He pulled out every trick he knew. Parting his mouth slightly he moaned low and arched his back as he pressed himself down onto Sam’s fingers. Muscle movement, Sam said. ‘Like when you arch your back just so.’ He held himself there for a second or two before rolling his muscles on the way back down and moaning again. Sam let out a low moan of his own and Crowley fought not to smile at the sound.

“Please, Master, let your pet do the work. I’ll suck your cock. You know how good I am at that. Please? When I run my tongue around it just the way you like. You can watch it going in and out and in and out of my mouth.” Dirty talk. Sam loved it when Crowley talked dirty to him. Crowley moaned again. The moans may have been timed for his little game but they weren’t fake. Sam definitely knew what he was doing. Crowley continued to roll his muscles just right as he arched his back.

“Damn it” Sam growled.

Crowley couldn’t resist a smile at that. ‘Damn it’ was when he knew he had gotten to Sam.

“Please, Master, let me make it good for you?”

“Fuck!”

“That’s the general idea.”

Sam lifted one of Crowley’s legs and smacked his ass.

“Bitch.”

“Yes,” Crowley stated questioningly still resisting the urge to smile. 

“Fuck. Fine.”

Sam removed the fingers and laid back on the bed. Crowley suppressed a whine at the loss of the fingers. Moving swiftly he straddled his Master. “I’ll make it feel so good.” Reaching down he gripped his Master’s cock. He wished Sam didn’t mind being called Master outside of the bedroom. Sam deserved the title more than anyone else ever had.

“Lay back and let me take care of you.”

Moving south Crowley wrapped his lips around Sam’s dick and moaned in absolute enjoyment. Gods he loved Sam!


End file.
